Connor,
Before you start, you're right, I have no excuse. It's been months since our last correspondence--I could sit here and tell you that July and August are notoriously slow news months OR that I was too busy going to your less cool uncles' weddings OR that I've spent the last few months reading more than writing as a quest to improve the quality of your letters--I could say these things, but I won't because I have no excuses.
The important thing is I'm back, and you no longer have to wonder what's happening in the world outside The Mickey Mouse Show (Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggity Dog... Now That I Have Your Attention) and Poo and Friends--I don't know who that British elephant is hanging out with Poo, but I don't trust her--and Eeyore's right, she's a terrible singer.
ANYWAY, let's get down to it, what's been been happening since Jacko died? Well, Swayze--you know what, I'm not gonna go there just yet. You don't deserve back-to-back obituary updates. We'll give it a few weeks then pay tribute to the man, the myth, the legend...The Swayz.
For now let's talk about RESPECT--and how no one has it for anyone else anymore.
It seems the popular thing to do when you're popular is to act like a jerk for no apparent reason. In recent weeks, a nameless congressman was a jerk to the President, a producer/rapper/crazy person was a jerk to a country singer, the world's strongest tennis player was a jerk to the world's tiniest line judge, and a boxing analyst was a jerk to a world champion boxer. If America had a Jerk Store, it would be sold out...or fully stocked--I'm really not sure how that works and I don't think George Costanza understood it either, which was the actual joke on the show.
ANYWAY, are we're being overrun by jerks? Is this a national pandemic? Of course we could make an argument that all these incidents are coincidental and not representative of America's decline in decor. Let's try...
The nameless congressman from South Carolina who decided to yell, "You Lie!" at the president during his address to congress, well, he's from South Carolina--they have crazy everything in SC; a crazy Governor, crazy Senators, one crazy Congressman (that we know of), crazy straws, crazy bread, and a crazy beauty queen who seems remarkably uneducated--even for a beauty queen. I'm sure all South Carolinians (?) aren't as stereotypical as their public figures, but I don't have any evidence of the contrary. So what am I to think? Sounds like a terrific place to open up a Jerk Store--or a terrible place because the supply would overwhelm the demand--let's just steer clear of this joke from now on.
Moving on, the producer/rapper/crazy guy/"voice of this generation of this decade" who interrupted the poor country singer during her acceptance speech for winning the "Best Female Video Award" at the Video Music Awards--actually, let's not even bother with this story. I'm not even sure how people win Video Music Awards anymore, since I haven't seen a music video in close to ten years. By the time your old enough to watch this awards show, I have to imagine, it won't exist. So a meaningless award ceremony was ruined by a guy who is well-known for ruining things that don't matter and carving crop circles into his head. I think it's safe to say this is an isolated incident that could only happen to a crazy narcissist or a gay fish.
As for the world's largest tennis player, well, Connor, all I can say is, be careful if you become a scientist and you decide to build a super woman for the sole purpose of dominating women's tennis. Eventually, the monster you've created will go rogue and very tiny, innocent people may be hurt. That's all I can say.
Finally, the boxing analyst who for some reason felt the need to disrespect a champion boxer during the post-fight interview by placing his own ego above the domination that happened in the ring just moments prior. The jerk in question is Max Kellerman; a boxing expert known for his boy-band-esque facial hair and for being kind of a Doosh. This recent indiscretion isn't the worst thing he's ever done. Many like to forget this, but Max Kellerman was the original host of the worst sports show ever made: Around the Horn. This show is a round table discussion with America's most annoying sports journalists. It's basically a group of old men with abrasive personalities arguing about sports--personalities which are horribly magnified with the presence of a video camera. Terrible, just terrible. (With the exception of PTI, putting a camera in the face of a sports journalist is ALWAYS a bad idea. All that time behind the camera interviewing jerk athletes has made these people crazy and attention starved.) Almost everything Kellerman touches turns into a journalistic abomination--he clearly has some kind of crappy journalism Midas Touch. Once again we're dealing with an ego-maniac whose time in the spotlight is minimal, so he did all he could to shift the focus on himself for that short time. This could be another fluke situation. Sure it could.
Maybe we're not all jerks ready to go on sale at the Jerk Store (sorry), maybe it's just a select group of people placed in highly visible situations who happened to lose their minds within days of eachother.
Do you believe in coincidence? Either do I. I prefer the "Gladwellian" approach with trends and tipping points: Is there a "rude behavior trend" that has spread from person to person and this recent spike in uncivil behavior represents a tipping point in that trend? Possibly, Connor, possibly. (It's also possible I completely butchered the interpretation of Gladwell's arguments, but it kinda makes sense, right?)
If we've learned anything from the Ghostbusters movies, and I've learned everything from them, it's that behavior is contagious and if we put enough snot on a toaster we can make it dance. Even the slightest encounter causes an effect that reverberate throughout society: You stub your toe in the morning, which puts you in a bad mood, so you're rude to the coffee guy. The coffee guy is now rude to the rest of the customers that day and yada yada yada Serena Williams threatens to shove a tennis ball down the throat of a small Asian woman. You see what I'm saying? It's the butterfly effect. Ashton Kutcher explains it all in his movie, which I can not remember the name of...
ANYWAY, the lesson here today is no matter who you are, big or small, rich or poor, famous or anonymous; how you act has an impact on the world around you, even if no one notices. Be conscious of this fact. You can spread hope and joy or you can spread fear and anger. If you can brighten one person's day there's no telling how far it will spread. It might even make it to Las Vegas...I've seen you do it before.
Your Favorite Uncle,
Kevin
P.S.- Tell your mom I said Happy Birthday...the card is in the mail.
