A Festivus For The Rest Of Us

Connor,

I’m sure since your mom has no doubt been blasting Christmas music for about two months now you are aware that something has changed. On the radio, on TV, in and all around your house, Christmas has taken over. If it were legal, and I’m pretty sure it’s not, your mom would listen to Christmas music all year round. Growing up all I ever remember coming out of your mom's room was Mariah Carey and Christmas music—and if I was really lucky, Mariah Carey’s Christmas music. You see, Christmas is more than just a holiday, it's A Season.

The purpose of these letters (usually) are to give you a glimpse of the pop-culture world as it is during your formative years—a portion of history that probably won’t be covered in school or on the History Channel—partly because they lack historical significance, but mostly because they’re presented by someone with a skewed and unreliable world view. These subjects we cover are, like most things, a part of time. They begin and end. This is what makes Christmas so special. Once something wedges its way into the Christmas lexicon, it stays there, forever. For good or ill, we are stuck with these songs, movies, and television specials for the rest of our lives. Christmas would not be Christmas without them.

So I made a list of movies you must watch every year and songs you have no choice but to listen to because, well, you live with your mom. We'll start with the movies...

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (Cartoon Version 1966)

The live action movie adaptations of Dr. Suess' work are usually a step down from the books, Cat In The Hat was unbearable, The Grinch was okay but pales in comparison to the cartoon, and the movie they made about Green Eggs and Ham, I Am Sam, had almost nothing to do with the book--however it is a great example of why you should never go full-retard. My favorite part of the cartoon was always the Roast Beast. I love roast beast, especially roast beast sandwiches with cole slaw. Mmmmmm...

A Christmas Story (1983)

Did you know we used to live in a world without the 24-hour "A Christmas Story" marathon? It's true. Many refer to it as, "The Dark Times"--I know I do. If the fine people at TBS ever try to stop running the marathon there will be a public outcry like nothing we've ever seen. I'm a firm believer that the best way to keep away annoying people is to say, "Don't talk to me... I'm thinking." Christmas movie or not, this movie is nearly perfect. Every scene is quotable and I couldn't imagine anyone else playing Ralphie. Even his name, Ralphie, is perfect. I dare you to watch this and not want a Red Ryder BB Gun...I dare you.

Christmas Vacation (1989)

Hey Griswold, where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Elf (2003)

This is an underrated movie and the most recent addition to the Pantheon of Christmas movies. I mean, Will Ferrell playing a giant Elf, how did it take so long for this to happen? I'm not sure if this movie is really good or it's just that I'm in love with Zooey Deschanel. Either way, Elf has nudged its way into the Pantheon of Christmas movies because it makes me smile--and smiling is my favorite.

It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)

Of all the movies made in 1946, this one is my favorite. When George Bailey finally gets his life back in the end and he's running through the town saying hello to buildings, he passes what I believe is a "Movie House", but for years I thought--prolly cause your other uncles told me so--that he said "Boobie House" which made the movie worth watching every year. I just thought George loved boobies--made sense to me.

Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

Who can forget the story of Rudolph? The story that teaches us that Santa was basically a bigot before a blizzard came and he needed Rudolph to save Christmas. Then Santa learned that reindeers with glowing red noses shouldn't be banished to live on the island of misfit toys. And by the way, some of those misfit toys weren't really misfits at all. The squirt gun filled with jelly could have just filled itself with water--they lived on a floating piece of ice, there was literally water all around them. And Charlie In The Box? Change your name to Jack. Problem solved. They should have called it the Island of Easily Fixable Problems.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

I'm not a huge fan of Charlie Brown, bit of a complainer, ya know? But if I had to pick one Peanuts adventure to watch, it would be this one. But they should have called it A Linus Christmas because he really steals the show with his monologue at the end. (I won't mention how he plagiarized the whole thing from the Bible.)

Miracle On 34th Street (1994 version)

I can't believe they got the old guy who owns Jurassic Park to be Santa Claus. They spared no expense.

One of the five thousand versions of A Christmas Carol

My personal recommendation is Scrooged with Bill Murray. It might not be the most traditional version --that award goes to Ghosts of Girlfriends Past with Matthew McConaughey--but I liked it because Bill Murray is the coolest and I'm also in love with Karen Allen.

And Lastly, But Certainly Not Least: Home Alone (1990)

I don't know what it is, but there is something about the story of a blonde Irish kid named Kevin whose large family thinks he's an incompetent little jerk when really he's a brave genius who fights off criminals that just seems so true to life. Not to mention, Kevin McCallister is played by the single greatest child actor of all time--the one, the only, McCauley Culkin. This movie made MacCauley and now he dates this girl--so yeah, he wins again.

(It should be noted that two of these Christmas movies were written by John Hughes: Home Alone and Christmas Vacation. From 1980-1990 John Hughes wrote 17 movies, 12 of which I consider must see films. These movies include: Mr. Mom, Vacation, Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Some Kind of Wonderful, Planes Trains and Automobiles, The Great Outdoors, Uncle Buck, Christmas Vacation, and Home Alone. That is an unprecedented run. He died this past August and I don't think we'll ever see someone own a decade like John Hughes owned the 80's. Respect.)

Now for the music. Some of these Christmas jingles are memorable because they represent Christmas like only music can, and others are memorable because they are so horrible that it almost seems sacrilegious to play them on the day Jesus was born. Here is a short list of the ones that stand out in my mind...

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town by Bruce Springsteen and The East Street Band

When The Boss says you better watch out and you better not cry, you open your eyes and you don't shed a tear. I never understood why Santa was so threatening in this song until Bruce belted it out. This is definitely the song Santa blasts in the sleigh on Christmas Eve to get him pumped. "That's right, I'm comin' to town, and all you punk kids better watch out!! And you better not cry or I'll give you somethin to cry about!! Santa slap!!" (side note: Santa prolly never said that.)

Christmas Shoes by Some Horrible, Horrible Band

I'm convinced this song was made by terrorists. They made it to lower the overall morale of Americans and force us into a defenseless depression, so they can just come over here and take over without a fight. I also like Patton Oswalt's take on this travesty of a song. Warning: This link is PG-13. Just horrible.

O Holy Night by Josh Groban

Say what you want about this guy's haircut, you cannot deny his golden pipes were made to sing O Holy Night. I think even Muslims bought his Christmas Album. I think it sold more copies than there are people on the planet.

Happy Christmas (War Is Over) by John Lennon

Many people like to argue over who was the best Beatle. John or Paul? (Anyone who tries to argue George is just trying to be difficult. And no one has ever argued Ringo) For me it will always be John and Christmas helped me come to that decision. John made a great Christmas song that starts, "So this is Christmas and what have you done? Another year older and a new one just begun." Even on Christmas, Lennon was taking us to task. Paul, on the other hand, wrote "A Wonderful Christmas Time" with a synthesizer-filled chorus that goes, "The mood is right. The spirits up. We're here tonight. And that's enough. Simply having a wonderful Christmas time." Is it enough, Paul? Is it really? Both made the mistake of letting their wives sing on the song, but at least John tried to drown Yoko out with a kids choir. Listen to both songs and decide for yourself, I'm just sayin, Lennon challenged us to be better, McCartney sounds drunk and there is no excuse for the synthesizer. None at all.

Last Christmas - Wham!

This song and "Christmas Shoes" song should be blasted at rioters as punishment for their social upheaval. Somehow it's been heavily thrust into the Christmas radio rotation and plays every 10 minutes on Christmas day. No one likes this song. Not even the members of Wham like this song. The programming directors at radio stations have no control over this, and it has led to many of them leaving the country to live in caves. But that's the thing about Christmas songs, once they hit the radio, they stay there forever. We will never be rid of this song. And that, Connor, is a depressing thought. I'm sorry I brought it up.

All I Want For Christmas - Mariah Carey

That morally flexible lady is one talented SOB. Damn you, Casey.

Do They Know It's Christmas - Band Aid

Just when I thought I couldn't hate George Michael any more than I already did, he goes along and participates in something like this--AND TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF. Back in 1984 the only way to battle hunger in Etheopia was to gather up a bunch of musicians with hilarious haircuts and sing a song. You really need to watch the video to fully appreciate just how hilarious the haircuts were back then. So here you go...Do They Know It's Christmas. A year later Lionel Richie and Michael Jackson wrote We Are The World and called the group USA for Africa to also raise money for Ethiopia. (Ironically, Lionel Richie could not feed his own daughter.) Since the end of the 80's people stopped making songs for the hungry and started sending food. I guess that makes more sense. The 80's were a magical time, Connor, don't let anyone tell you different.

Jingle Bells (The Batman Smells Version)

In about 5 years, you are gonna think this is the funniest song ever made. And you're absolutely right.

Have Yourself A Merry Christmas by Mel Torme' aka The Velvet Fog

This song, Rocking Around The Christmas Tree and Run Run Rudolf will forever be linked to Home Alone and are therefore awesome.

That's it. That's my list. Every year these movies will be on TV and these songs will be on the radio. Whether you like it or not these things will always be a part of Christmas--just like your family. Now I gotta catch a plane--third time's a charm.

See ya soon and Merry First Christmas,

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin