Connor,
Happy 1st birfday, one year ago today you were birfed. You successfully survived your first lap around the sun. Whether you're opening a business or being a human person the first year is always the toughest. And you did it with flying colors, most of which came from your diaper, but flying colors nonetheless. And believe me when I say this, it only gets easier from here on out. It certainly doesn’t become more complicated, confusing, or challenging. I mean, you’ve already mastered the walking and eating parts and that’s most of what life is right there.
Birthdays are great because you get free stuff just for being alive and there’s cake. But since you're a dude—albeit a very small dude—your birthday will mean less than if you were say, not a dude. Because for not a dudes—let's call them girls for brevity’s sake--birthdays are much more important. You may be wondering why that is. Well, I have no idea. I can help fill you in on a lot of things, Connor. But the complexity of the female psyche is something I try unsuccessfully not to think about and I have yet to find any satisfying answers. Just know that boys and girls are different and you can forget a dude’s birthday without any repercussion, but don’t you ever forget a girl’s birthday. Not ever.
When you get to my age your birthday isn’t nearly as important because not a whole lot changes for you. Come to think of it, I can’t remember what I did on any birthday except for my last one and even that is a little hazy. An Irish pub was involved and I think I challenged an old lady to an arm wrestling match. If my memory is correct, I won the match convincingly.
I may not be able to remember my birthdays, but I could give you a detailed account of the time everyone forgot Michelle’s birthday on Full House or the time everyone forgot Screech’s birthday on Saved By the Bell or the time Will got Ashley’s favorite singer to sing to her at her birthday party and many other birthdays of fictional characters. Why is this? I don’t know. But try to make friends, Connor. Friends are important. Real ones. Not just people who you think are your friends until their show gets canceled and you never see them again. Unless they’re syndicated and then you’ll see them on re-runs, but it’s not the same, Connor. It’s not the same.
ANYWAY, I don’t want you to end up like me. I don’t want you to confuse fiction—poor unsophisticated fiction at that—with real life. It’s no way to live. Thankfully, there’s almost no shot of that happening since a string of unfortunate events would have to occur for you to be as socially inept or as detached from reality as your uncle Kevin. So let’s forget I said any of this and just look into the future. Let’s take a look at your next 20 birthdays and what separates the good birthdays from the great birthdays.
Ages 2 through 9
Free stuff and cake. Not too shabby.
Age 10
This is a big deal because history is defined by decades, so whatever is popular from 2009-2019 will be ingrained in your psyche whether you like it or not. I know we've gone over this before. It's the reason I can't change the station if Ah Ha’s “Take On Me” comes on the radio. For you it will probably be some Lady Gaga or Miley Cyrus song and I'm truly sorry for that. Age 10 is pretty cool because you add a digit to your age and that won’t happen again until you turn 100, so it’s pretty special. And 10 is just a cool number, when people ask you your age and you fire back with 10, they’re always impressed.
Ages 11-15
Awkward. Girls. More Awkward. Good Luck.
Age 16
This is a big one. Making it to 16 is tough. You’ve been waiting for it since you turned 13, and those are three, long, awkward years. But this is your year. You get your license and the freedom and independence of being able to drive yourself to the movies is indescribable. For your parents, however, just reading this paragraph and thinking about you driving is scaring them to death. Your aunt Lauren has been driving for several years and no one is really comfortable with it. Just remember, Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility. And be sure to watch The Bronx Tale before your first date—it’ll save you some time.
Age 17
One more year ‘til you’re 18.
Age 18
Congratulations you can vote!! But it’s 2017, so I’m not sure what you can vote on. You missed re-electing president Palin by just one year. Too bad. According to the U.S. government you are now an adult, but only to the U.S. government. To everyone else you are still a child. So the “I’m 18!! I’m an adult!!” argument won’t get you anywhere. Also, everything you think you know, the exact opposite is actually true—I know, it sucks.
Age 19
Last year as a teenager, maybe now you’ll get some respect. Good luck with that.
Age 20
They should just get rid of this age completely. Possibly the most frustrating birthday there is. It’s the limbo of adolescence. Is there any responsibility you can’t handle at 20 that you can handle at 21? I don’t think there is. But what’s another 365 days, right?
Age 21
You made it. You now have the rights of every other freedom loving American. It’s a great feeling. And what makes it even better is knowing you lasted 21 years without drinking one drop of alcohol. Riiiiiiight.
After 21 you stop paying attention to your birthday. Some days I’m not even sure how old I am. As you get older you realize your birthday really isn’t about you, it’s about your mom. I mean, she did all the work really. And your birthday will always mean more to her than it will to you. All you really did on your birthday was show up. So with that said, Happy Connor’s 1st birthday, Casey.
I gotta go be some place.
Your Favorite Uncle,
Kevin
