Dear Connor,
First of all, Merry Christmas. I thought I’d tell you Merry Christmas while I still could. In case you haven’t watched the news, and I understand you have more important things to do, I wanted to let you know that there’s a war out there. A war…On Christmas!
I had heard about this war for years, but I never thought it’d reach Philadelphia. Sure, New York City and Los Angeles, they’ve got enemy combatants everywhere, but Philly? No way. We love Christmas in Philly. So when I saw on the news that they changed “The Christmas Village” in Philadelphia to “The Holiday Village” I nearly pooped my pants. How could this happen in Philadelphia? A place where Christmas is so passionately embraced.
And I know what you’re thinking, “Didn’t Philly fans throw snowballs at Santa Claus?”
That was a huge misunderstanding. Santa actually started that snowball fight. He loves snowball fights. It’s like his favorite thing. In fact, as soon as I heard about the Christmas Village thing I called Santa. I knew as soon as Santa heard about it he would fly down here and get in faces. That’s how Santa rolls.
Thankfully for you I recorded our whole conversation. Don’t tell anyone I showed you this. Santa doesn’t give his cell number out to just anyone. I had to get on twenty consecutive “Good” lists to get it. So keep that in mind if you ever want some face time with the big man.
Anyway, here’s Santa and I figuring this whole "WOC" thing out:
Beep boop bop beep beep boop bop (me dialing) beep beep boop bop beep bop (North Pole extension)
Jingle jangle jingle jangle (it’s ringing)
Santa Claus: Yo! Yo! Yo! This is Santa.
Uncle Kevin: Santa, it’s me, Uncle Kevin. What’s with the “Yo! Yo! Yo!”? Don’t you mean “Ho! Ho! Ho!”?
SC: Why would I answer the phone laughing? That’s psychotic.
UK: Good point.
SC: I’m just messing with you. I do say, 'Ho! Ho! Ho!' when I answer the phone. I saw it was you on my caller i.d., thought I’d flip the script on you.
UK: You're a weird dude, Santa.
SC: Coming from you that doesn't really carry much weight.
UK: Alright, alright. Enough banter. I have something very serious to talk about!
SC: Alright, calm down. Why don’t you sit on my figurative lap and tell Santa what's bothering you?
UK: Figurative lap? Really? Anyway, it’s about Christmas. They’ve declared war on Christmas, Santa. War…on Christmas!
SC: What? Who has?
UK: They have.
SC: Who’s “they”?
UK: I don't know who "they" are, maybe it's Al Qaeda, maybe it's the Russians, maybe it's the Grinch, I don't know. I'm not a secret agent, I don't have access to that kind of information.
SC: Well, how did "they" declare war on Christmas?
UK: In very sneaky, sinister ways.
SC: I'm going to need you to start getting specific here. This is kind of my busy season.
UK: Well, I don't know when it started, but the attacks have been adding up exponentially: Office Christmas parties have become "Holiday parties". The greeters at Wal-Mart say, “Happy Holidays” instead of Merry Christmas. Then, and this is the camel that broke the straw in half, they changed the "Christmas Village" in Philadelphia to the "Holiday Village". It’s unprovoked and unwarranted aggression on the greatest day of the year. If we don’t stop it soon Christmas will be gone. No more Christmas, which means no more You, which means I won’t get any presents, which means my nephew Connor will never even know what Christmas is all about! You've got to do something! I'm sorry I'm shouting! I'm gonna stop! I'm calm.
SC: Ho! Ho! Ho! That’s what you’re so upset about?
UK: I’m very upset and I don’t appreciate you laughing at me. I come to you for help help with Christmas—which is your thing by the way—and you laugh at me. Real nice, Santa. Real nice.
UK: How can you say that? Wait--giant head, really? You couldn't pass up a chance, huh? Don't you see? This is just the beginning, Santa. First they stop us from saying Merry Christmas, next they won’t let us have Christmas trees, after that the Christmas lights go. Eventually they’ll come after you.
SC: Woah!, woah!, woah!, calm down. No one is getting rid of me. I’m Santa Claus. I’m super duper famous. And everyone loves me. I’m not going anywhere. You need to relax and not worry so much.
UK: So you’re okay with them changing the name of the "Christmas Village "to the "Holiday Village"?
SC: I am actually. First of all, there’s only one real Christmas Village, and I live in it. The rest are just tributes to my town. And changing it from Holiday Village won’t change what it means or what it will mean to children like your nephew Connor.
UK: But aren’t you scared that some day people won’t know what Christmas is?
SC: Ho! Ho! Ho! Not at all. I think you're vastly underestimating how popular Christmas is? It’s the most universal holiday of all time. Even the Roman Empire couldn’t imagine having a day as widely recognized and culturally significant as Christmas is in America.
UK: I don’t think you understand the implications.
SC: Ho, ho, ho. The implications.
UK: I noticed your lack of enthusiasm on that “Ho, ho, ho.” Are you trying to say the implications aren’t real? Are you mocking me, Santa?
SC: I’m just asking you to think for a second. When do you first hear Christmas music on the radio?
UK: I don't know, Thanksgiving. Why?
SC: Okay, that means Christmas music has been widely played across the nation for a month.
UK: So?
SC: So I’m trying to tell you, Christmas is everywhere. And not just for a day. It’s a whole month. And think about your favorite TV sitcoms.
UK: What about them?
SC: Every sitcom in the last 50 years has had a Christmas episode. Not just one, but one for every year they were on television.
UK: I guess that’s true, remember that time Zach dated the homeless girl and Mr. Moody wouldn't let her be in the Christmas pl—
SC: Yeah, yeah, SBTB was a quality show, my point is, Christmas is at its peak. Music, television—
UK: And movies? I mean, there are thousands of Christmas movies, some made in the 1950's that still play today.
SC: Now you’re getting it…
UK: I mean, “Christmas Vacation” is the best “Vacation” movie. Even the terrible ones will play every year on TV. And without Christmas, where would Charlie Brown be?
SC: Exactly. Charlie Brown calls me every year to wish me a Merry Christmas and to thank me for his entire career. It’s the least I could do, he’s kind of pathetic.
UK: I agree, I mean how many times can you fall for the football gag? It’s like, ‘Hey, Charlie, get the net!' Ya know?
SC: Totally. And we don't own just entertainment we have a strangle hold on every food market, pharmacy, bank, dentist’s office, restaurant, and casino.
UK: I don't know about that. I think you're getting a little over-confident, Santa.
SC: Am I? Name a public place you’ve been to in December that didn’t have Christmas decorations, Christmas music, or Christmas related products for sale.
UK: Well, some decorations aren’t that noticeable.
SC: Not to you maybe. This is why you were so upset, you didn't realize how that Christmas has been killing it for so long that a little thing like name of a mock-village, or an office party, or the greeting of some poor Wal-mart employee get you to overreact.
UK: Yeah, but couldn’t this be the beginning of what could become a massive derailment of Christmas around the world? It’s like, “First they came for the Christmas Village and I said nothing, then they came for Merry Christmas and I said—
SC: Let me stop you there before you say something you’re going to regret. You're referencing a poem about the Holocaust and I'm assuming you were unaware of that, so I won't blame you for sounding like an idiot.
UK: Well, excuse me for not knowing where things come from or what they mean.
SC: You’re not excused of that. Not at all. What I’m trying to explain to you is this “War on Christmas” isn’t a war at all. It’s an attempt at inviting more people to the awesome party that is Christmas. If anything dialing the down Christmas is in the very spirit of Christmas.
UK: I’m not following.
SC: What is Christmas the season of?
UK: Winter.
SC: No, dummy. Giving. Christmas is the Season of Giving. Do you ever watch the end of these movies you love so much?
UK: Of course, just messing with you, Santa. I know it's the season of giving, but what does this have to do with changing the name of the “Christmas Village” to the “Holiday Village”?
SC: Scaling back the use of “Christmas” and replacing it with “Holiday” is a way of "giving" everyone else a break. Imagine if you were on the outside looking in on Christmas? And no matter where you went Christmas was there, but you couldn't hang out with Christmas, cause you have your own Christmas--only you don't call it Christmas. You call it Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Festivus. Why shouldn't Frank Costanza and his family be able to enjoy the tiny village of lights? What's wrong with making those awkward IT guys feel a little less awkward at the office party?
UK: Isn’t it kind of racist of you to assume the guys from IT are Hindu?
SC: Maybe, if Hindu was a race. And I never said the IT guys were Hindu. I said they were awkward and that's just science. Computer science.
UK: Good point.
SC: I just want you to know that Christmas isn’t under attack. No matter what villages are called or how many Christmas trees are inside your local CVS or what those rabble rousing talking heads on the evening news conjure up to get you to call me in the first place, Christmas has never been about any of it.
UK: But you just spent the last 10 minutes explaining to me that Christmas's ever present stamp on popular culture is what makes it so invincible against any and all opposition. Now, you're telling me none of that matters?
SC: I mentioned that stuff to make you understand we’re not at war, but the reason Christmas will never go away, the reason you and your nephew will always have a Christmas is because the people who care about you enough to give you the gift of Christmas. As long as people care enough to celebrate Christmas with the people they love, Christmas will always be around--no matter what it's called on some fluorescent sign.
UK: So you’re saying that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet?
SC: I mean, that’s kind of a lame way of saying it, but yeah, basically.
UK: So do you say “Happy Holidays” now instead of “Merry Christmas”?
SC: Of course not, and neither should you. You love Christmas, I love Christmas, there’s nothing wrong with shouting, "Merry Christmas!" at every stranger you see. Although, you shouldn't talk to strangers, it’s kinda dangerous for someone like you.
UK: What do you mean someone like me? I can handle talking to strangers. I'm a grown up.
SC: Actually, I was thinking of the strangers. They don't deserve that kind of torture, especially around Christmas.
UK: Thanks a lot, Santa. You’re doing a whole lot for my self-esteem.
SC: Well, I’m sorry, I just thought someone should tell you. How about if you tell me what you want for Christmas, would that make you feel better?
UK: I want the same thing I’ve been asking for since I was 12.
SC: You know I can’t do that.
UK: Well that doesn’t change what’s in my heart now does it, Santa?
SC: Damnit, Kevin, Natalie Portman is a grown woman with free will, I can’t just deliver her to you gift wrapped. It’s against the law. Not just U.S. law, but basic human law, and most definitely Christmas law. I mean, what would you have me do?
UK: Not my problem, Santa, not my problem.
SC: Alright, well I’ve got some serious work to do, it’s like four days before my big day. Have I answered all your questions?
UK: I guess, but one day I expect you to come through on that wish.
SC: Well, wish in one hand, poop in the other…
UK: Real nice. Your language lately has been less than Santa-like, by the way.
SC: Well it's kind of a stressful time of year, maybe you could give me a break. Merry Christmas, Kevin!
UK: Merry Christmas, Santa. You sonuva--
Connor, I how about that? For someone as magical as Santa Claus he's a pretty logical guy. Also, kind of a jerk. But most of that stuff goes back along ways with me and the fat man. Though he did make me feel better, he's a pretty good listener--most people with white beards are. And if he's not freaked out about the war on Christmas, maybe we shouldn't be either. And that sappy thing he said about Christmas being whatever the people who love you make it--it was super sappy... ...BUT, I think I understand what he was saying. And since I have intimate knowledge of the many people who do love you...I don't think your Christmas is going anywhere. In fact, knowing your mom, you've been listening to Christmas music non-stop for the past month. You may not be able to speak very well yet, but you could probably put out a Christmas album.
Yeah, I don't think your Christmas is going anywhere anytime soon.
Merry Christmas, Connor!
Your Favorite Uncle,
Kevin
