Dear Connor and Jack,
This is a very exciting time for us, boys. A very, very exciting time. I equate this time to that part in Jurassic Park when the old guy pops the champagne and tells Dr. Adler and Dr. Whatever that he'll fund their dig for another 3 years. I know that might be the most contrived movie reference of all-time and that scene led to a bunch of people being eaten by dinosaurs, but the point is I love that movie and it's was on TV a lot recently. Anyway, it's a very exciting time for us.
I wanted to write to you today to make my 2011 NFL season predictions, and I'll get to that, but I can't get there until I talk a little bit about our 1st place Phillies and our beloved Eagles turning this free-agency into Mikey's wishing well speech. In this case, The Eagles are the Goonies, Andie is Nnamdi Asomugha, and the Cowboys are Troy.(What do you mean that's more confusing than the Jurassic Park reference? Watch Goonies again, it totally makes sense.)
I can feel the hate flowing from other sports fans. I grow stronger, feeding from that hate like a Sithe Lord (Darth Uncle Kevin). Now all the Phillies and Eagles have to do is win the World Series and Super Bowl a few months apart. Easy enough.
When this duel-Championship happens a gelatin-like dome of negative emotions will cover all other sports towns ala Ghost Busters II.(What do you mean this is getting ridiculous? It's a completely valid reference and it accurately describes what would happen if two Philly teams won championships. You know what, Connor, I don't care that Dora the Explorer is never this contrived. I don't see Jack complaining. He's so intrigued he's literally drooling with anticipation.)
Anyway, it's a a very exciting time, boys, a very exciting time.
Now, you know your Uncle Kevin is the prognosticator or prognosticators--I make Punxsutawney Phil look like some poor, confused, little animal that is paraded out like a mascot for a tiny Pennsylvanian town, which may or may not have had a genius movie made about it. (See, I'm not even bringing the movie up this time.) So basically, these aren't so much predictions as they are facts that just haven't happened yet.
Let's take a look at some of my predictions from last year, in case you forgot (Connor) or you hadn't come into existence yet (Jack):
'The Packers will win the Super Bowl.' - Not bad, think I nailed it, but maybe I just got lucky.
'Mike Vick will take over the starting job in Philly and will come one play short of beating the soon-to-be champion Packers.' - Now even I'm a little impressed with that prediction. You have to admit that was nice.
'Randy Moss will play for three teams. Seattle will have a losing record, but somehow upset the Saints in the first round with a stunning 41-36 victory despite Drew Brees throwing for 397 yards.' - Wow. I mean, wow. Bold? Yeah, I'd say that was a pretty bold prediction. I just went with my gut.
As you can see, I am amazing at predictions. It's just a shame I edited those predictions out of my letter last year due to time constrictions. You guys will just have to trust that I would never lie to you. Especially not about something as serious as NFL predictions or Santa Clause.
Without Freddy Ado, here are my 2011 NFL predictions...
Chris Berman Will Have a Stroke On-Air
Shocking, I know. The worst part is it will leave him to only be able to say nonsensical phrases like "rumblin bumblin" and "Circle the waaagons" and "Come on, Maaaan!". It will be hard to watch.
Jerry Rice Will Remind Us Every Sunday How Good He Was
There's never been a person widely considered--scratch that, unanimously consider the best ever at his or her particular job who feels as under appreciated as Jerry Rice. I'm not sure what this guy wants people to say or do in addition to consistently calling him the greatest wide receiver ever. People respect him so much they never bring up his balding cornrows look he sported late in his career. It's the same respect Joe Montana and Wayne Gretzkey get when no one mentions how they are the spokesmen for sneakers designed for old women pretending to exercise. Yet, it's still not enough for Jerry Rice. Hopefully he'll satiate that need when the other five guys on the pre-game show pretend to laugh at all his jokes and preface their analysis with, "He's no Jerry Rice, but..." We can only hope things start to turn around for Jerry Rice.
Brett Favre Will STILL Be Just Like A Kid Out There
Brett won't actually step on the field, but somehow, some way, he will manage to act just like a kid out there. And Jon Gruden will notice this demeanor and be sure to remind us that Brett might look and act like a creepy old man in real life, but when he's out on that feild, he's just a little, ity, bity, kid out there. He's so cute he makes me want to take a picture with my cell phone.
No Cincinnati Bengal Will Be Arrested
Just kidding. Seven Bengals will be arrested and they will all be named Pacman Jones. (Note: I wrote this before Cedric Benson went to jail. Can't even joke about this team anymore without them one upping you.)
Andy Reid Will Gain Weight
He will gain the weight of one Super Bowl ring. And a whole bunch of other weight probably. He's really unhealthy, but he makes up for it with his dynamic personality.
When You Talk About Guys Who Talk About Guys You're Talking About Saying A Bunch of Unnecessary Words Before Actually Saying Nothing About the Guy's You're Talking About.
What?
A Raiders Fan Will Shoot a 49ers Fan
What do you mean that has already happened in the preseason? I was just joking. That really happened? And it was after a preseason game? Not even a playoff game that has relative consequence inasmuch as a football game can have consequence? Well, that's just messed up. People are messed up. Stay away from people.
Eli Manning Will Continue to Be Funny Looking
And it will be funny.
Your Uncle Kevin Will Lose Money
Between fantasy football, suicide pools, handicapping contests, being surrounded by sportsbooks, and my living with a bookie, the odds I lose money during this football season are -1000. I like those odds. Think I'm gonna bet big on me losing.
Everyone Will Freak Out When the Eagles Go 0-3
I think any realistic Eagles fan (Do they exist?) is worried about the start of the season. @St.Loius, @Atlanta, Home vs. Giants...that's a rough start. I wouldn't be surprised if the Eagles start 1-2. 0-3 would surprise me, but isn't out of the question. Especially with the short offseason, teams with a lot of new acquisitions are at a disadvantage early in the season. And no one had more significant acquisitions than the Eagles. And I don't think anyone, including Andy Reid, knows how this offensive line will look on Sunday. Lots of question marks, boys, lots of question marks. Having said that, I think the Eagles will go 16-0. (They don't exist).
We Will Once Again Bore Everyone with Tales of Fantasy Football
This has become the most reliable tradition in sports: We love football. We love to play fantasy football. We want to people to know of our love and all the trials and tribulations that come with that love. And so we tell them. And they hate us for it.
It's a tragically beautiful story.
Every Kiss Will Begin with Kay and Also Beer
If we learn anything from the barrage of advertisements during an NFL game (and we certainly do not) it's that we should drink light beer and buy our wife some freaking diamonds!
Little do they know that I'm already drinking light beer and I don't even have a wife. What a bunch uh idiots! (I bought the diamonds just in case I get married by accident)
That's it. Those are my predictions/future facts. I think I nailed it. I know I nailed it. What's that? You want a Super Bowl pick? Alright, alright.
Eagles 65 Patriots 4
Halftime Show: Atrocious
Your Favorite Uncle,
Kevin
