Uncle Kevin Presents: Independence Day: The Real Story: Colon: Yup

Dear Connor & Jack,

Happy Independence Day! 

I love the 4th, boys. It's a great day for many reasons. Not only are we celebrating the birth of this great nation of ours, but we also get to eat hamburgers and blow stuff up. What’s better than hamburgers and explosions? Nothing, probably. Throw in some macaroni salad and maybe an ice-cold lemonade (read: beer) and your Uncle Kevin is about as happy as a pig in the city who can talk and is named Babe. I didn’t actually see that movie, but I assume everything works out in the end and Babe really enjoys the city.

It's important to spend the 4th enjoying all the awesome freedom we have, but it’s also important to take a moment every 4^th of July between all the ‘burgs and explosions to remember what happened on that great day in 1776 to form this great nation. Oh, you guys haven’t heard this story? Whaaaaat? That’s crazy talk. What are they teaching you in school? What do you mean you don’t go to school? What do you mean you’re only 3 and 1 years old? What’s happened to this country’s education system? More like Obamadoesnotcare, amiright? What were we talking about? Oh right, July 4^th 1776.

Awesome Dudes with Ponytails: Founding Fathers & Uncle Kevin

Let me drop some forefather knowledge on your dome pieces...

The story of the US of A begins with a handful of rebels named Thomas “Jeff” Jefferson, Benjamin “All About the Me's” Franklin, John “Don’t Call Me Quincy” Adams, Sam "I'm Not Drunk" Adams, John “I Don’t Do Autographs” Hancock, and a handful of dudes (51 dudes actually. How big is your hand?) meeting up in the greatest city in the world, Philadelphia, to discuss King George who was being a total knob.

(side note: If this were Star Wars, King George would be the Emperor, Jefferson would be Luke, and B. Frank would be Han. I guess Jefferson’s dad would be Vader, I dunno. Forget it. Jon Adams would be Chewy.)

  You see, the British Empire, headed up by King George thought it was cool to ask us for money even though we didn't have a say in how or why that money was spent. They were basically the mafia asking us to pay them for "protection" and we were all,“Nah Homie, we don't need your protection. We got this. ” And King George was all, "Whatevs. I'm the king, and I rule. You do what I say." So our smartest dudes (Sans the black guys and women. Whole other terrible letter I'll write to you when you're older.) met at Independence Hall, which was called Anthony Michael Hall before this meeting, to figure out how to deal with this jabroni and squash this beef once and for all.

America!

They knew that King George would be a real jerk about them forming their own country, so they decided to be adults about it and write him a letter. And since Thomas Jefferson had the best handwriting he was made head writer. Tom Jeff brought in B. Frank and John "Don't Call Me Paul Giamatti" Adams as his top aids because they had brains on top of brains. The one thing they knew for sure: They weren't asking King George for Independence; they were gonna straight up Declare it.

To make sure the King knew this was for real everyone signed the letter—kind of like a birthday card that gets sent around the office. You may not have bought the card or written it or know who it's for or what's wrong with them, but you sign it because everyone else is and it's the right thing to do. Of course, John Hancock had to show off and write his name all huge, even though he was just the president of congress and Tom Jeff totes wrote the thing. Typical Hancock.(Years later Will Smith would play John Hancock in a movie, I didn't see it, but I'm told it's historically accurate.) 

Legend has it when Hancock was signing this Declaration of Independence he told everyone that congress must hang together. Then B. Frank was all,  “Yeah, we better hang together, or we shall all hang separately, fo sho.” B. Frank was dropping knowledge like that all the time—it’s no wonder he was such a ladies’ man (see: cause of death).

Then they sent the letter. King George was pretty miffed. There was a war. The rebels won. Boom, America!

Happy Birthday, America!

And that, gentlemen, is the story of our Independence Day. There’s a sequel and Will Smith is in that too. President Bill Pullman (Not Paxton) kills aliens with a speech and Will welcomes the aliens to "Erf" in that movie. It’s pretty good. Not as good as the original.

Anyway, enjoy the 4^th, see some stuff explode, eat some hamburgers, remember how cool B. Frank and the other rebels were, and lastly, at the top of your lungs (Connor, you’ll love this) yell out, “Happy Birthday, America!!!”

She turns 236 years old today. Doesn’t look a day over 200.

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin