Connor,
I saw the picture of you as a pumpkin, and I'm sorry. You looked miserable. But don't worry, this will only last a few years. Right now Halloween is a just an opportunity for your mom to dress you up in the most embarrassing costume possible so people can come over and laugh at you. (And in this day and age these photos will be posted on the interweb so the whole world can laugh at you. I do not envy your generation.)
You'll have to wait it out because in four or five years Halloween will become one of the best (if not THE best) days of the year. And it will remain awesome for as long as you're awesome enough to embrace it. To help you enjoy this wonderful day to the fullest, I've created certain rules you must abide by. A Halloween guide if you will...
Rule #1- Be Something With a Weapon
This is very important. I personally like any costume that comes with a sword: a pirate, a ninja, a musketeer, a teenage mutant turtle who also happens to be a ninja (Leonardo to be specific), or just a crazy guy with a sword. The sword will come in handy throughout the night, I assure you (more on this later).
Rule #2- Beware Gorilla Suits and Scarecrows
They may seem like just another porch decoration, but every so often they come alive in a clever attempt to make you poop your pants. This is when your sword comes into play (not too much later). As soon as you see a gorilla or scarecrow, be ready to unsheathe your sword. If you play this right you'll be able to unleash a devastating blow to the knees. Usually I wouldn't condone violence, but he did try to make you poop your pants, so I say it's fair game. While your fellow trick-or-treaters will cower in fear, you'll stand alone defending the honor of the group--plus you get to wack some dude with your sword. It's a win/win.
Rule #3a- Plan Your Route; Double Back
This is very crucial to maximizing your candy intake. I have not yet seen your new home, but you are in the suburbs of Philadelphia, so I assume you live in a heavily populated neighborhood with rows of houses on both sides of the street (or you live on a farm house in the middle of nowhere). You want no more than 30 feet between each residence. If you don't live in a neighborhood like this yet, don't worry, either there is one very close or there will be one built around you soon.
I saw the picture of you as a pumpkin, and I'm sorry. You looked miserable. But don't worry, this will only last a few years. Right now Halloween is a just an opportunity for your mom to dress you up in the most embarrassing costume possible so people can come over and laugh at you. (And in this day and age these photos will be posted on the interweb so the whole world can laugh at you. I do not envy your generation.)
You'll have to wait it out because in four or five years Halloween will become one of the best (if not THE best) days of the year. And it will remain awesome for as long as you're awesome enough to embrace it. To help you enjoy this wonderful day to the fullest, I've created certain rules you must abide by. A Halloween guide if you will...
Rule #1- Be Something With a Weapon
This is very important. I personally like any costume that comes with a sword: a pirate, a ninja, a musketeer, a teenage mutant turtle who also happens to be a ninja (Leonardo to be specific), or just a crazy guy with a sword. The sword will come in handy throughout the night, I assure you (more on this later).
Rule #2- Beware Gorilla Suits and Scarecrows
They may seem like just another porch decoration, but every so often they come alive in a clever attempt to make you poop your pants. This is when your sword comes into play (not too much later). As soon as you see a gorilla or scarecrow, be ready to unsheathe your sword. If you play this right you'll be able to unleash a devastating blow to the knees. Usually I wouldn't condone violence, but he did try to make you poop your pants, so I say it's fair game. While your fellow trick-or-treaters will cower in fear, you'll stand alone defending the honor of the group--plus you get to wack some dude with your sword. It's a win/win.
Rule #3a- Plan Your Route; Double Back
This is very crucial to maximizing your candy intake. I have not yet seen your new home, but you are in the suburbs of Philadelphia, so I assume you live in a heavily populated neighborhood with rows of houses on both sides of the street (or you live on a farm house in the middle of nowhere). You want no more than 30 feet between each residence. If you don't live in a neighborhood like this yet, don't worry, either there is one very close or there will be one built around you soon.
Once you find your ideal area of attack, map out your route so you hit every house in the neighborhood once. If you've selected a good neighborhood this should take several hours. Now you can go back to the first house and start again. Most people will dish out the candy again because they've seen so many costumed kids at this point they won't remember you've already hit them up once--unless you go as something particularly memorable like a half-Swayze/half-horse type creature.
And just in case you decide to be something unforgettable like a Swayze Centaur, which I'm totally supportive of, be sure to...
Rule #3b- Have a Backup Mask
Obviously a Swayze Centaur costume will stand out so be sure to have a random mask you can wear for the double back through the neighborhood. When I was kid we had a Freddy Krueger mask that seemed to make it through a thousand Halloweens. He would not die--much like the NOES movies.
(Note: Kelly Leak, the best little league baseball player ever, is playing the new Freddy. And before that he played Rorschach in Watchmen; a guy who is ashamed of his face. I mean why don't they just write him a note that says, "You Ugly" and just leave it at that. Would this have happened if coach Buttermaker was still around? Something to think about. )
Rule #4- Respect The "Please Take One" Basket
Obviously your first instinct is to take the entire basket, but you must resist this urge. The person that left that basket is either home watching you, and testing your honor (and if you're a ninja this a very important test), or they're at a Halloween party and respected you and the holiday enough to leave some candy. In either case, you should not take advantage of the PTO basket. It is okay to take two or three pieces if they left particularly good candy (i.e. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers, Skittles, etc.)--I mean, you are only human.
I know what you're thinking, 'How come it's okay to wear an extra mask to go back for round two, but it's not okay to take all the candy from the PTO basket?" Valid concern, but the difference is in the ruse. The 2nd mask technique is a clever trick. Taking all the basket candy isn't clever. It isn't even a trick. It's just being a jerk. Remember, you presented these people with the possibility that you might trick them. They should be prepared.
Rule #5- Eat Way Too Much Candy
"They" say eating too much candy will give you nightmares. I don't think that's true, but I've never put any stock into what "they" say. If it is true, I say bring on the nightmares; it's Halloween.
I've always preferred nightmares to dreams anyway. Think about it. Wouldn't you rather wake up and be relieved that wolves aren't chasing you than wake up and be disappointed you can't fly. (And when you start having dreams about girls you like, you'll know exactly what I mean.) It's Halloween, if ever you embrace your nightmares, this should be the night. Plus, you get to eat an obscene amount of candy. Again, it's a win/win.
Rule #6- Avoid the Lure of Mischief Night
I love mischief and endorse it and shenanigans whenever possible...except on mischief night. Mischief loses its essence if it's preordained. If you toilet paper someone's house on mischief night, they don't wake up confused and annoyed wondering what they could have possibly done to deserve such an inconvenience. Instead, they just shrug their shoulders, shake their heads, and say, "mischief night." Where's the thrill in that? Where's the mystique? I mean where would the Japanese be if they had bombed Pearl Harbor on "Surprise Attack Night". Nowhere, that's where. (What? Too soon? If Michael Bay can make a terrible movie about it, I should be able to make a joke. Come on.)
Rule #7- Have a Scary Movie Ready to End the Night
I'm not sure what number Saw movie they'll be at when you're old enough to trick-or-treat or how more romantic and less threatening the vampires will be, but I can tell you what scared me as a kid, the Stephen King movie It. It was a movie about a clown named Pennywise who would come to this town every 30 years and eat children. It sounds kinda dumb, but I assure you this clown will haunt your dreams forever...so be sure to check that out.
(Note: If you happen to go to the movies with your baby friends and they play the new Twilight trailer. After it's over and the theater gets all quiet, lean over to your friends and loudly whisper, "How big is your boner right now?" You will get laughs, I promise you. )
Rule #8- Take Notes: Apples, Toothbrushes, Good-N-Plenty
You will run into some bad people throughout your life, Connor. But no more soulless, no more hate-filled, no more evil than the people who give you any of those three things on Halloween. Whenever they're not giving out stuff no one in this world could possibly want, they're most likely boiling kittens or leaving comments on Youtube videos. Take note of where these people live, and never, ever return there. No good can come of it.
On the other hand, whenever you find those generous souls who give out King-sized candy or bags with multiple pieces of quality candy, be sure to hold them in the highest regard.
(Note: If you do get some Good-N-Plenty, be sure to give them to your grandmother. It's just tradition.)
Rule #9- Always Use a Pillow Case
The pillowcase is the best candy-holder known to man. It's big enough and sturdy enough to carry more candy than you could possibly collect and sometimes months later you'll find a Jolly Rancher under pillow. Once again, win/win. What you don't want to do is get stuck with one of those plastic pumpkins that holds maybe three bite-sized Snickers and has a crappy plastic handle guaranteed to break if you're lucky enough to get a King-sized Butterfinger. You never want an excuse to go home, because once you're in, it's almost impossible to get back out. (Unless of course you're one of six, then you can very easily get lost in the shuffle...here's hoping that happens!!)
Rule #10- Enjoy It While It Lasts
One day you'll wake up, put on your costume, go to the neighbor's house, say trick-or-treat and they will ask you to leave and give you no candy. Why? Because you're 25-years-old and apparently Ageism is an accepted practice on Halloween. And people aren't even nice about it. They don't say, "Hey that's an awesome Swayze costume, but the candy is only for children." They just say, "Get off my porch, ya psycho." It's like I have to have a kid so I can participate in trick-or-treating, which seems like a huge responsibility for one night of candy fun. I mean, how many people have had kids just for the Halloween candy? I'm guessing a lot.
I don't think it's fair to me, the kid, or America to have a kid whom I only really want for one day a year. It's just irresponsible and I'm not gonna fall in line just cause everyone else is doing it. I mean, just cause my parents did it and your parents did it, doesn't mean we have to do it. We could stop the vicious cycle of Kids for Candy. Vote Yes on Prop 143!!
(Prop 143 would allow people to trick-or-treat well into their 50's, thereby eliminating the pressure to have children just for the Halloween candy)
Anyway, post-trick-or-treat Halloween isn't all bad. You get to go to Halloween parties, which are great because people are more likely to make stupid mistakes when they're dressed up in silly costumes. Also, many women finally get to dress like themselves. Oh!!(That's a back-handed insult. More more difficult than the back-handed compliment and much more fun to do.)
(Phinal Note: How bout them Phillies? Did you watch Always Sunny last night? It was great. Greenman fought the Phillie Phernatic (not a spelling error). They drank riot juice. Mac wrote Chase Utley a love letter. It was awesome. The debate over who's the best looking Phillie is a complicated issue, one me and your uncle Callahan have had many times before. It's just so competitive, I mean, who has a better looking team than the Phils? No one, that's who. I mean, sure, we lost some serious handsomeness this off-season when we replaced Pat "The Bat" Burrell with Raul "My Preciouses" Ibanez, but sometimes--not often, but sometimes--you have to place performance above good looks. I think this may have been one of those rare occasions. Anyway, I got the Phils in five games. Derek Jeter's good looks win one game for the Yanks--otherwise this an easy sweep.)
Now that I've successfully scared your grandfather...Happy Halloween!!!
Your Favorite Uncle,
Kevin
And just in case you decide to be something unforgettable like a Swayze Centaur, which I'm totally supportive of, be sure to...
Rule #3b- Have a Backup Mask
Obviously a Swayze Centaur costume will stand out so be sure to have a random mask you can wear for the double back through the neighborhood. When I was kid we had a Freddy Krueger mask that seemed to make it through a thousand Halloweens. He would not die--much like the NOES movies.
(Note: Kelly Leak, the best little league baseball player ever, is playing the new Freddy. And before that he played Rorschach in Watchmen; a guy who is ashamed of his face. I mean why don't they just write him a note that says, "You Ugly" and just leave it at that. Would this have happened if coach Buttermaker was still around? Something to think about. )
Rule #4- Respect The "Please Take One" Basket
Obviously your first instinct is to take the entire basket, but you must resist this urge. The person that left that basket is either home watching you, and testing your honor (and if you're a ninja this a very important test), or they're at a Halloween party and respected you and the holiday enough to leave some candy. In either case, you should not take advantage of the PTO basket. It is okay to take two or three pieces if they left particularly good candy (i.e. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers, Skittles, etc.)--I mean, you are only human.
I know what you're thinking, 'How come it's okay to wear an extra mask to go back for round two, but it's not okay to take all the candy from the PTO basket?" Valid concern, but the difference is in the ruse. The 2nd mask technique is a clever trick. Taking all the basket candy isn't clever. It isn't even a trick. It's just being a jerk. Remember, you presented these people with the possibility that you might trick them. They should be prepared.
Rule #5- Eat Way Too Much Candy
"They" say eating too much candy will give you nightmares. I don't think that's true, but I've never put any stock into what "they" say. If it is true, I say bring on the nightmares; it's Halloween.
I've always preferred nightmares to dreams anyway. Think about it. Wouldn't you rather wake up and be relieved that wolves aren't chasing you than wake up and be disappointed you can't fly. (And when you start having dreams about girls you like, you'll know exactly what I mean.) It's Halloween, if ever you embrace your nightmares, this should be the night. Plus, you get to eat an obscene amount of candy. Again, it's a win/win.
Rule #6- Avoid the Lure of Mischief Night
I love mischief and endorse it and shenanigans whenever possible...except on mischief night. Mischief loses its essence if it's preordained. If you toilet paper someone's house on mischief night, they don't wake up confused and annoyed wondering what they could have possibly done to deserve such an inconvenience. Instead, they just shrug their shoulders, shake their heads, and say, "mischief night." Where's the thrill in that? Where's the mystique? I mean where would the Japanese be if they had bombed Pearl Harbor on "Surprise Attack Night". Nowhere, that's where. (What? Too soon? If Michael Bay can make a terrible movie about it, I should be able to make a joke. Come on.)
Rule #7- Have a Scary Movie Ready to End the Night
I'm not sure what number Saw movie they'll be at when you're old enough to trick-or-treat or how more romantic and less threatening the vampires will be, but I can tell you what scared me as a kid, the Stephen King movie It. It was a movie about a clown named Pennywise who would come to this town every 30 years and eat children. It sounds kinda dumb, but I assure you this clown will haunt your dreams forever...so be sure to check that out.
(Note: If you happen to go to the movies with your baby friends and they play the new Twilight trailer. After it's over and the theater gets all quiet, lean over to your friends and loudly whisper, "How big is your boner right now?" You will get laughs, I promise you. )
Rule #8- Take Notes: Apples, Toothbrushes, Good-N-Plenty
You will run into some bad people throughout your life, Connor. But no more soulless, no more hate-filled, no more evil than the people who give you any of those three things on Halloween. Whenever they're not giving out stuff no one in this world could possibly want, they're most likely boiling kittens or leaving comments on Youtube videos. Take note of where these people live, and never, ever return there. No good can come of it.
On the other hand, whenever you find those generous souls who give out King-sized candy or bags with multiple pieces of quality candy, be sure to hold them in the highest regard.
(Note: If you do get some Good-N-Plenty, be sure to give them to your grandmother. It's just tradition.)
Rule #9- Always Use a Pillow Case
The pillowcase is the best candy-holder known to man. It's big enough and sturdy enough to carry more candy than you could possibly collect and sometimes months later you'll find a Jolly Rancher under pillow. Once again, win/win. What you don't want to do is get stuck with one of those plastic pumpkins that holds maybe three bite-sized Snickers and has a crappy plastic handle guaranteed to break if you're lucky enough to get a King-sized Butterfinger. You never want an excuse to go home, because once you're in, it's almost impossible to get back out. (Unless of course you're one of six, then you can very easily get lost in the shuffle...here's hoping that happens!!)
Rule #10- Enjoy It While It Lasts
One day you'll wake up, put on your costume, go to the neighbor's house, say trick-or-treat and they will ask you to leave and give you no candy. Why? Because you're 25-years-old and apparently Ageism is an accepted practice on Halloween. And people aren't even nice about it. They don't say, "Hey that's an awesome Swayze costume, but the candy is only for children." They just say, "Get off my porch, ya psycho." It's like I have to have a kid so I can participate in trick-or-treating, which seems like a huge responsibility for one night of candy fun. I mean, how many people have had kids just for the Halloween candy? I'm guessing a lot.
I don't think it's fair to me, the kid, or America to have a kid whom I only really want for one day a year. It's just irresponsible and I'm not gonna fall in line just cause everyone else is doing it. I mean, just cause my parents did it and your parents did it, doesn't mean we have to do it. We could stop the vicious cycle of Kids for Candy. Vote Yes on Prop 143!!
(Prop 143 would allow people to trick-or-treat well into their 50's, thereby eliminating the pressure to have children just for the Halloween candy)
Anyway, post-trick-or-treat Halloween isn't all bad. You get to go to Halloween parties, which are great because people are more likely to make stupid mistakes when they're dressed up in silly costumes. Also, many women finally get to dress like themselves. Oh!!(That's a back-handed insult. More more difficult than the back-handed compliment and much more fun to do.)
(Phinal Note: How bout them Phillies? Did you watch Always Sunny last night? It was great. Greenman fought the Phillie Phernatic (not a spelling error). They drank riot juice. Mac wrote Chase Utley a love letter. It was awesome. The debate over who's the best looking Phillie is a complicated issue, one me and your uncle Callahan have had many times before. It's just so competitive, I mean, who has a better looking team than the Phils? No one, that's who. I mean, sure, we lost some serious handsomeness this off-season when we replaced Pat "The Bat" Burrell with Raul "My Preciouses" Ibanez, but sometimes--not often, but sometimes--you have to place performance above good looks. I think this may have been one of those rare occasions. Anyway, I got the Phils in five games. Derek Jeter's good looks win one game for the Yanks--otherwise this an easy sweep.)
Now that I've successfully scared your grandfather...Happy Halloween!!!
Your Favorite Uncle,
Kevin
ba ba ba billy boy!
ReplyDeleteWe all float down here...
_Jess_