Happy Football Day!

Connor,

Oh boy! Oh boy! It's finally here! The day we've been waiting for all year! I'm so happy I may shed a tear! Ummm... I hope Brett Favre gets knocked on his rear? I'll have a bagel with extra shmear??

Okay, so I'm not a poet. Who cares? It's football day! Finally. It seems like a billion years since the Super Bowl--which would make the old keg in my backyard a billion year old keg. But we made it. It's really here. In a matter of minutes the first kick will be kicked and the 2010 NFL season will be underway. In honor of this special day I wanted to write to you and discuss the many great things that will (probably) happen over this season.

Usually I'm not a big fan of predictions or the prognosticators behind those predictions, but that's because the prognosticator isn't me. And you know how I detest opinions that aren't mine. It just doesn't make sense to listen to others when you know in your heart of hearts that you've never been wrong about one thing ever. Not ever.

Anyway, without Freddy Ado, here are my guaranteed, locked up, full-proofed, super awesome predictions for the 2010 NFL season.

#1: Brett Favre Will Die.

Not like really die. Or that an old kicker he used to hold for is plotting revenge on him or anything like that. Just his story will finally die. Sometime during this season Brett Favre's career will finally come to an end. Ten thousand sports writers around the world will shed a tear right after they call their publisher about the Brett Favre book they've been secretly writing entitled, "Having Fun Out There: The Brett Favre Story and Other Drams I've Had About Brett and His Wrangler Jeans". What I would love to happen is for one announcer to just go rogue and decide he's not going to mention how much fun Brett is having out there or how much he just loves playing the game. Instead, he does just the opposite. Not just announce how much he despises Brett Favre, but also just make things up. Get the whole Brett Favre story wrong to piss off everyone who has spent to much time shoving that story down our throats every Sunday for the last 20 years. Something like this:

"And here comes Brett Favre the legendary quarterback. Known for his conservative style and game management Brett Favre has impressed us all ever since he graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design where his father taught him everything he knows about exterior illumination. As many of you already know, Brett Favre hates football. Unfortunately his dream of being a professional animal stylist fell through after a tough addiction to cat nip made him leave the profession forever. After that he had a string of jobs that he quit, but then tried to come back to work the following day as if it never happened. That's when he stumbled upon this NFL quarterback gig that takes a little bit of his soul every day. Because, like I said, he hates this game. He hates it so very very much."

That's all I'm asking.


#2 The Detroit Lions Win the Super Bowl

...in a Madden season that I simulated from the 1995 Sega Genesis edition. This is less of a prediction than a fact.

# 3 Donovan McNabb Misses Multiple Games

Sorry Washington. It's not you, it's him. Okay, it's you too. You just have horrible luck. And a horrible owner. And an ugly uniform. With a racist name. I don't believe in curses, but I have seen Pet Sematary a bunch and I just wouldn't mess with Native Americans. I'm pretty sure they've gotten over being confused with Indians from India, they've accepted that. But Redskins? I can't imagine they're cool with that.

#4 The Super Bowl Will Make Me Angry

I hate the Super Bowl. It's everything about football that a person who like football hates. Everything done before, at half, and during the Super Bowl is meant to keep the people that hate football entertained. Halftime shows are the worst. I don't need Shania Twain and Justin Timberlake prancing around for 3 hours. I just want to watch the game. Pregame shows are bad enough on a regular Sunday--which is why I love the Pacific Time Zone, 10am kickoffs are awesome. On Super Bowl Sunday the pregame is 12 hours long and has 32 versions of Michael Irving yelling some nonsense about "The Peyton Mannings and the Sean Peytons" when there is only one Peyton manning and one Sean Peyton and I just...I just can't take it. It's the worst. I'm already angry. Let's just move on.

#5 Ron "Jaws" Jaworski Will Grow His Mustache Back

What are you doing, Jaws? You look weird without your mustache and you've been mustache free for a while now. No one is getting used to it. We all miss your mustache. It's apart of us as much as it is you. Plus, you're a weird looking dude. The more facial hair the better. And if we can agree on one thing as a country, as human beings, it's that there aren't enough mustaches in...(wait for it)...(wait for it)..."The National Football League". Do it for your country, Jaws.

#6 Your Uncle Kevin Will Win His Fantasy League

This is once again less of a prediction and more of a fact. Naming my team after Swayze for the last five years will finally pay off. Because Swayze is dead now, and like a Jedi, he is more powerful dead than alive.

#7 Tom Brady Will Win People's Sexiest Man Alive

I mean, he's been getting robbed for years. Matt Damon, really? Really?!? Come on. And this year he's going for it. He's got this new haircut modeled after the Justin Beiber. He's clearly going for the younger demographic. He's two years removed from knee surgery, which means his sexiness is basically back to 100%. He's got to win. He's just got to.

#8 A Cincinnati Bengal Will Be Arrested

I know this is one of those safe, boring predictions, but considering 98% of their current roster is on probation wouldn't it be unlikely for them to risk yet another arrest? Wouldn't it? I just hope it's not Pacman. And I hope it's T.O. But unless the president passes some kind of Anti-Douche Law, it's unlikely T.O. will be arrested. (And likely Pacman will be)

#9 No One Cares About My Fantasy Team

I know. I know you don't care. No fantasy football story is every interesting to anyone except the person telling it. It just isn't. It's like an unbreakable law of physics. Gravity exists. The earth goes around the sun. Eli Manning is a dork. And no one cares how you barely lost your fantasy game last week. It's impossible to make your team interesting to another human being even if that person is in your fantasy league. It's the ultimate subject where people just wait for you to stop talking so they can talk. And even though I know this to be true, I will still bore you with the legend of Team Swayze...it's really an epic tale.

#10 Your Grandmother Will Tell You How Much She Hates Football, But She Secretly Loves It

She may complain about spending all day Sunday cooking while your father, your uncles, and your grandfather all sit in front of the TV with their laptops on their laps following their respective fantasy teams and the Eagles, but she loves it. Even more than she loves football though, she loves complaining about it's stranglehold over our family. And we secretly love how she complains about it every Sunday. Why? Because it's tradition. And tradition just gets seared into your being. It feels like home. And even if you don't realize you love it, you will miss it when it's not around. And I do.

Happy Football Day, Connor.

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin