Dear Connor, Jack, and the New Kid,
Actually first, let me talk to Connor and Jack. New Kid, earmuffs.
Hey guys. What kinda read you got on this New Kid? What's he like? Really? Hmmm, Jack you agree? Hmmm. Well, I guess I'll take your word for it. So you think I should let him in? You think he could cut it in the Awesome Dudes Club? Alright. I trust you guys. But if he's a flake, it's on you guys.
Alright, New Kid, un-earmuff. What's your name? Brandon? Bardon? Bartholomew? Brayden? With a 'y'? Get used to saying that, kid. "Brayden with a y" will just be a reflex eventually. No one at a coffee shop anywhere will get it right ever and I know this because people on the Internet take pictures of how this is an issue for them. I wouldn't know, I go to Dunkin Donuts and they don't write anything on my cup, they just give me coffee. Works out great. Some of my closest friends work at Dunkin Donuts and we don't know each other's names. Name knowing is overrated. People get so upset if someone they've met before doesn't remember their name. I don't understand why. A person's name is almost always the least interesting thing about them. Except Pondfinger Flurglechest, who is honestly the most boring dude I've ever met. But usually it's more like this...
'Hey, I'm Kevin.'
"Yeah I know, we've met before."
'Oh right. Stephen Urkel?'
"Uh, no actually. Stefon Ur'kel."
That happens all the time. And according to most people, that makes me the jerk. I understand if
Stefon and I shared some kind of unique experience. Like if we both watched
The Dragons wreck "Rachel's Place". But every time someone gets upset because I don't remember their name, it's a person I've only been introduced to, but have never actually had a conversation with. So what is it they want me to remember? A face and a name without some kind of story to go along with it? I just don't see why my brain would choose to remember a face and a name.
What were we talking about?
Oh, right, names and people not getting them right. What a bunch of jerks those people are, right? As well as "Brayden with a y" get used to "O'Connor with an O." Seriously. All the time. It's a thing. I guess some people are named O'Conner, which just looks insanely stupid to me. Right? Thank you! It's absurd. O'Conner! What's that even mean? "Er" is what you say when you don't know what to say. It's bassically O'Conn-stutter. Cool name...er, not. (See what I did there?)
All kidding around outside, welcome to the family, kid. I'm your Uncle Kevin. You can call me Awesome Uncle Kevin or Uncle Kevin the Great or Basically the Coolest Guy I Know (you can save that one for show and tell). I live in Las Vegas, Nevada and I'm a Rodeo Clown or a Showgirl's Assistant or a Writer for an Advertising Company, I can never remember which one. When I'm not doing one of those things I'll do my best to write these letters to you and your cousins Connor and Jack. They'll fill you in on everything you've missed; it's a lot like what we just talked about except even less coherent. I try to cover some important stuff that your parents might not be able to get to. So basically, the unimportant stuff that you won't need to know about for any reason. For example...
Some kid had a fake girlfriend who he thought died, but it turned out she was some sad confused kid pretending to be a girl who died and it all sounded like a bad movie and it turns out it was a bad movie and then the more we heard about it the more it sounded like a bad reality show and then it turned out that also existed and now everyone is wondering if this kid will still be able to tackle other guys to the ground after such a fiasco and I don't know I feel like if he's that easily fooled than he's going to have a lot of trouble with play-action and play-action leads to a lot of big down field plays and I just don't know if I want that guy as my defensive leader.
Stuff like that, 2013 has started off pretty weird. A lot of what I tell you here will be factually inaccurate but still essentially true. True in the sense that I believe it to be true. And sometimes, Brayden with a y, that's enough. (That last statement is not true.)
If your parents ever tell you something I've written here is untrue, they are almost definitely right, but that doesn't mean you have to believe them. There is always a chance that I am right, though again, it's unlikely.
So welcome to the Awesome Dudes Club, Brayden with a y. Connor and Jack will teach you the secret handshake and the secret password for our secret meetings where we secretly make plans to
take over the world. It's not a big deal, it's just the coolest thing ever to be a part of. So congrats. You're here! You're in! You made it! We did it! I'm looking forward to teaching you a whole bunch of stuff you should probably already forget. Like did you know...
Starfish don't have brains?
Or that termites live to be 50 years old?
Or that a shrimp's heart is in its head?
All true. All useless.
So get excited for more of that. And Connor and Jack, you guys show this kid the ropes. They should be in the closet downstairs in a box marked "Kevin's ropes".
Talk to you guys soon.
Your Favorite Uncle,
Kevin
It is I, your Uncle. I'm writing you this morning to inform you that I shall be traveling a great distance, across flowing rivers, over rocky mountains, and past the relatively travel-friendly valleys of this glorious nation of ours to where it all began, the great city of Philadelphia, to celebrate America's 237th birthday. (Philadelphia, which as we all know is Quaker for "Phil's Place") And on this special day of days I request your presence for various food eatings and meat grillings and drink drinkings and what have yous.
