Don't Judge A Book By Its Slobber

Connor,

I trust you've heard that Vin Diesel is back and his new Faster and more Furious movie had a record breaking opening. First of all, it's not your fault. It's not your fault, Connor... it's not your fault. Have we done this before?

Anyway, I don't want to talk about Vin Diesel, I'm here to talk about roommates. I figure since I know your roommates, so you should get to know mine. I have quite a few roommates, so I'll try to introduce you to the most important ones.
This is Roscoe. Roscoe is the elder statesman, old and wise like a fury Buddah. He likes it when you yell "Roscoe" when he enters the room and then whisper " 's Chicken and Waffles" in his ear. I personally think it's juvenile, but he thinks it's hilarious so I do it.

Roscoe is a pitbull-mastiff mix and he's all black except for his chest, nose, and paws--it's like he's wearing a tuxedo at all times. As you can see in the photo, he has the biggest tongue in the world. His favorite thing to do is to catch you sleeping and lick you in the face. In fact, he licks everything he sees. There is no space too small for him to burrow his way into. He loves people, but isn't impressed by dogs. He thinks he's people.
Here's Roscoe with his little brother Endo. Endo is a blue-nosed pitbull. Though Endo looks like a cute puppy you don't want to see him when he gets angry...

Endo has grown a bit since then and is widely considered the Arnold Schwarzenegger of dogs--a freakshow; a specimen. This is him pretending to be Superman...

Though he's passed Roscoe in shear size, he still looks up to his older brother. Endo follows Roscoe's lead and is never too far behind. Where Roscoe needs to be around people, Endo needs to be around Roscoe.


When Endo isn't following Roscoe's every move, he likes "nomming" on blankets and pillows. He's also a big hip-hop fan; it's prolly his favorite form of expression... he likes when you rhyme his name like, "Yo Endo, You're My Friendo" or "Yo Endo, Let's Play Nintendo". And then we'll freestyle from there. Admittedly, I do most of the freestyling, but he lays down most of the beats.

Connor, I wanted to tell you a little bit about these two guys because pitbulls get a bad rep. They're actually one of the most loyal breed of dogs. In England they're known as the "nanny breed" because of how protective they are with children. I learned that little nugget in a really good Sports Illustated article on the Michael Vick dogs--I highly recommend giving it a once over.

It's really a case of dog racism, which is my 2nd most hated kind of racism, right behind people racism, and just ahead of sock racism... black socks are always appropriate, don't let anyone tell you different.

And if we give into dog racism, what will we give into next? The Nazis? It's a slippery slope, Connor. And I don't want to see you get caught up in the media's smear campaign against pitbulls. That Sports Illustrated article is the exception for media coverage on pitbulls and it took something as horrific as the Vick story to get it written.

I've seen first hand the negative reaction Roscoe and Endo get at dog parks. We were once verbally accosted by a man who claimed he had been bitten by a pitbull and became a rich man as a result. He went on to say that we shouldn't be allowed to bring Roscoe or Endo to the park and that all pitbulls should be put to sleep.

He was fat and loud and his words were ugly and ignorant--meanwhile, Roscoe dreamed of licking his face and Endo was too excited to meet the other dogs to even notice it.


It's sad but true that people like this will always exist--and morbidly obese people yelling uneducated nonsense toward total strangers at a dog park is just something we all have to deal with. But with dogs, people, or socks; it's always better to keep an open mind with new ones because you never know when you'll make a new friend or discover a new favorite pair of socks.




And you can take that to the bank.





Roscoe and Endo just made a new friend with the house's newest addition, General Norman Schwarzkopf III...




He likes to go by General, The General, or Norm. Norm and Endo became friends fast and Roscoe is starting to warm up to him, but like I said before, unless you have opposable thumbs Roscoe wants nothing to do with you... he thinks he's people.


Here's Endo looking at his kingdom after I informed him that "Everything the Light Touches is Yours." (Back-to-Back Lion King references... this blog is just gonna take off.)

And here's Roscoe and Endo standing strong with their dad Jon, one of my people roommates and one heck of a dog owner. Those are my fingers in the frame, not my finest moment of photo-journalism.


One last piece of advice before I let you get back to doing your baby thing: Don't ever be roommates with a cat. Cat people always try telling you how their cats have "personalities" or how they "think they're people". That stuff just weirds me out. Besides, cats only have one personality and it's a selfish one.

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin