Oh My How You've Grown!

Dear Connor,

I mean, I'm assuming you've grown. I really don't have a frame of reference, but I mean it's been about a month since we last spoke, you have to be what...3 ft. tall? I'm not good with time or height or babies or directions or colors. It's hard to say what I'm worse at, directions or colors... I mean I almost never know where I am or what direction I'm facing, but I'm also color-blind, so I mean, you tell me...

But enough about my many handicaps, I want to talk about you, like how excited are you to meet me? I know I'm excited for you to meet me. In a way I feel bad because you're gonna hit your peak for meeting Awesome people at such a young age. I mean, unless you happen to meet Burt Reynolds or something later in life, but let's face it, the chances of that happening are very slim, so basically it's all down-hill in the Awesome category after this weekend.

Hey at least you don't have my burden of desperately seeking Burt Reynolds just to find an Awesome superior... yet.

Let's get serious for a second, Connor. Enough of your silliness. You know life isn't just about being silly, some things are very serious and not to be taken lightly. I'm speaking of course about movies. (All forms of entertainment really, but right now I want to focus on movies.)

If I can pass on anything I believe in on to you it's this: "I decided long ago that what really matters is WHAT you like, not what you ARE like." That's true, and it's actually a quote from a Jon Cusack movie, making it even more appropriate. I can overlook just about any personal defect if I respect their taste in movies, music, television, or literature. (The latter hardly comes up in conversation, but if it does I make a note of it. If a full grown adult talks incessantly about the Harry Potter books, I may lose a little respect for him/her.)

Basically, if Hitler was a a big fan of the movie "True Romance" I would have no problem putting all transgressions aside to discuss how the Christopher Walken/Dennis Hopper scene is one of the all-time great scenes in cinema or how it's basically the best love story since "Princess Bride". Or a million other things that I love about that movie. I'm not saying I agree with Hitler's outlook on life or his aspirations for world domination, but no one should be denied the basic human right to discuss movies... no one.

Given that, I want to use my unalienable right at this time to tell you about my latest trip to the theater to watch the highly anticipated "Angels & Demons" starring Tommy Hanks.

Before we get into the film, I've got a bone to pick with the world.

Since it was opening weekend, two friends and I got there 20 minutes early to ensure we would get decent seats. It turned out the theater was ginormous, so it really wouldn't have mattered, but c'est la vie, right? I don't mind getting to theaters early. I'm a preview junkie. Sometimes the previews are the best part of the whole experience. That wasn't the case this time.

So when you get to a movie that earl you are forced to watch advertising for some terrible cable network's new line-up. Namely, TNT.

Now I'm an NBA fan; I really enjoy watching playoff games--most of which are on TNT. So if I want to watch Lebron rip through the playoffs like a runaway train I have to endure TNT's commercials. I haven't done the numbers, but I estimate that about 90% of the commercials during an NBA game on TNT are for one of TNT's drama shows, because...

TNT: We Know Drama, And We'll Force It On You Until It's True!

I've already had my fill this year of TNT commercials, so when I get in the theater and find out I get to sit through 30 minutes of extended commercials for TNT dramas... well, let's just say I was less than thrilled.

This is what I took from those commercials.

Kyra Sedgwick is "The Closer". Her annoying voice drives suspects crazy until they admit just about anything.

Holly Hunter is "Something Something" and her terrible accent gives Asian children seizures. She carries a gun and has a badge, but she's more than a cop... she's "Something Something".

Zach Morris is "Some Lawyer" who has long hair sometimes, but other times it's short-it's not dyed bleach-blond, so it's distracting no matter what. Slater wins.

Will Smith's wife is "A Registered Nurse" because there aren't enough hospital shows on television. Little Known Fact: There are more people playing nurse on TV than there are actual nurses on the Earth today. Something to think about.

That's four shows you couldn't pay me to watch. Connor, if you like drama there's only one show you should be watching and it's called "The Wire". I won't get expansive on it, but by the time you're old enough to appreciate it, "The Wire" will be akin to the works of Charles Dickens, and be one of the rare pieces of theater that accurately portrays the decay of western society... but I'll do you a favor and move on to avoid further verbosity.

So after the traumatizing dramatizing of TNT, the movie previews started. Usually the rule of thumb for previews is "Good previews, Good Movie." They also tend to stick to genre, like if you're seeing a comedy, you'll get comedy previews. Since "Angels and Demons" is a suspense-thriller, I expected suspense-thriller previews... I was wrong.

Apparently A&D was geared toward 14-year-old girls because the previews were one excruciating romantic-comedy after another. Let me give you a rundown.

First preview...

Katherin Heigl and Leonidas from "300" work together, but don't get along. Leonidas is a womanizer with all the right moves. Katherin Heigl is a good girl trying to land this other guy, so she turns to Leonidas to help her "think like a man" to land her dream man. And hilarity ensues. But you'll never guess what happens... Leonidas falls for Heig-dog and somehow has to profess his love for her before she falls for the other guy. How will this love triangle end? That's for us to find out.

Next preview...

Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds work together, but hate each other. Because of some crazy mix-up they have to pretend to be engaged and hilarity ensues. So their friends, co-workers, and family are constantly asking them to express their love publicly, which causes even more hilarity to ensue. But guess what happens along the way... they realize they actually do love each other. It's crazy how things work out like that, isn't it?

Next preview...

Remember the woman from My Big Fat Greek Wedding... well she's back in a totally unrelated film where she goes to Greece to find her true love. A decrepit looking Richard Dreyfuss plays her well-meaning, but intrusive father... and hilarity ensues.

Next preview...

Some super sad movie about a little girl with cancer that would probably make the Tin Man cry. (I'll prolly avoid this one too)

That's my best recollection of the previews, I may have blacked out before they could show another romantic-comedy.

Now I understand that basically none of the advertising I was during the half hour of mediocrity is actually geared toward me in any way, but still. I mean, aren't women insulted by these films the same way I'm insulted by the 9th Fast & Furious movie? I don't know, Connor, I just don't know.

As for Angels & Demons, it was entertaining. I won't spoil it for you, cause you'll prolly want to rent it, but that final "twist" was kind of a cop-out and it came 15-minutes later than it should have. Also, I was hoping for a more detailed look at the history of the Illuminati. I liked how they did the flashbacks in "The Da Vinci Code" to the Knights Templar to show the history of it all, A&D kind of lacked that. The film still had a lot of intrigue based solely on the Catholic church as subject matter and Vatican City as the location. So much history, mystery, and art in one spot, it's hard not to be somewhat intrigued.

Also, Tommy Hanks's hair isn't long and distracting, so that was nice. I might be more impressed with it on a 2nd viewing minus the half hour of atrocious previews beforehand to put me in an extremely critical mood.

I don't know why I decided to tell you all this other than it was probably the most interesting part of my weekend, but there's prolly a lesson here somewhere. Ummm, TNT dramas are for dumb people?... ummm, don't go too early to a movie because the previews might ruin it for you? Your uncle Kevin is easily upset over crappy entertainment? We'll figure out a lesson later.

But hey, I'll see ya this weekend, we'll party hard and talk about politics. It'll be a super awesome terrific time.

See ya then,

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin