Connor,
First off, it was nice to finally meet you this past holiday weekend. And even though everyone was begging for it, thanks for not pooing on me.
Not pooing on me is something I look for in a nephew and you pulled it off with flying colors.
Moving on to today’s subject—today I want to talk to you about Fanhood. Fanhood (which my dictionary tells me isn’t an actual word) is a big part of any young man’s life. Before you start asking yourself deep questions like, “Who am I?” and “Who DID frame Roger Rabbit?” you will most likely be defined by what you’re a fan of. (Some of us have yet to grow out of this phase) And what you’re a fan of, at least for the first 10 to 12 years, won’t really be up to you.
Your favorite sports teams, for example, are predetermined by where you grow up and whom your father likes. Your father, who should be reading this and nodding his head right now, has one major responsibility: to make sure you cheer for his favorite teams. The rest of fatherhood, and I say this from no experience, is just happenstance. You know, like that song Ned Flanders sings when he thinks he’s about to get hit by a meteorite. Que Sera Sera somethin’ somethin’, you remember.
Um anyway, making you a Phillies fan should be no problem given your location and the unwavering support of everyone you come in contact with over the next decade or so.
A little more challenging, but ultimately doable, will be your dad’s attempt to make you a Redskins fan. I will personally go against my natural instinct to interfere with this process, but your classmates, your grand pop (pop, gramps—don’t know if that’s been decided yet), and your slightly less awesome uncles may give you a hard time over the years.
Though I may disagree with your allegiance to such an abysmal organization (sorry, instinct, won’t happen again), I do think it’s an opportunity to teach you an important lesson in dissention. Learning at an early age to go against the grain and stand strong against the masses can only help cultivate your will to survive.
In other words, the beatings you’ll take at recess will prepare you for the beatings we all take in life.
Your Fanhood won’t stop there. You’ll be a fan of many things over the years: music, movies, cartoons, books (if they still exist), toys, food, et cetera, et cetera. Unlike your sports Fanhood, these interests
will evolve and change over time. With anything that grows over time, your Fanhood can grow out of control, which brings me to the real lesson...
There are certain rules you must follow to ensure that you always remain in control of your Fanhood—Not letting your Fanhood control you.
The 1st rule to controlling your Fanhood is to create a top 5 on facebook—not really. The first rule is to Be Informed—know what you like and why you like it.
Do a little research before you go around the playground professing your love for G.I. Joe. If you watch it closely you’ll realize nothing really happens on that show. They shoot thousands of lasers, but no one
ever gets hit. At the end of each episode they’re in the same situation they were in at the beginning. Cobra never gets caught. They don’t make any real progress. What kind of lesson does that teach? Why bother? Knowing may be half the battle, but the other half is defeating the enemy. At least take a captive, somethin’. Geeze.
On the other hand, if you hear a classmate talkin’ about how awesome G.I. Joe is and you drop that knowledge about no one ever getting hit with the lasers, it’ll blow his mind. Always know more.
The 2nd rule of Fanhood is to Diversify Your Fanhood Portfolio. You like something. You decide it’s your favorite. Great. But you need to have a 2nd favorite, and a 3rd, and a 50th. Having 50 favorites only makes that top spot more distinguished.
In other words, like a whole buncha stuff.
You might be the biggest Alf fan of all-time; as far as you’re concerned Alf is the greatest puppet/live actor mixed show ever made. You can’t go around talkin’ about Alf all the time, how often does Alf come up in conversation? Rarely, if ever. If you do talk about Alf all the time people will start to avoid you—oh no here comes the Alf guy again; he’s the worst—that’s what they’ll say. And one day you’ll overhear someone say that very thing and it’s gonna hurt so much you’ll run away to Las Vegas just hide from all the ridicule. I would hate to see that happen to you too—I mean to you for the first time—hypothetically.
Lets take the Star Trek super fans for a realistic example. Commonly known as “Trekkies"—apparently they refer to themselves as “Trekkers”—I suppose Trekkies is derogatory to them, I dunno—anyway, these people dress up like their favorite Star Trek character and argue over star dates or episode numbers while speaking an imaginary language… it’s a disturbing truth.
Trekkies’ affinity for a television show has taken over their lives to become their only defining characteristic. That, and not being able to get a date.
Now I’m not saying it’s wrong to be a fan of Star Trek. In fact, I saw the latest Star Trek film and I loved it—almost enough to watch one of the original episodes…almost. I’m saying it’s wrong to obsess over something so much that you isolate yourself from the rest of society. I’m also saying it’s wrong to wear Spock ears on a day that's not Halloween.
To give you a proper scope on how incredibly huge Star Trek is in the pantheon of popular culture, know this: I have never actually seen an episode or film of any Star Trek, yet I knew every character’s name and recognized every catch phrase. How is this possible? Am I psychic?
Unfortunately no, I am not psychic. I am, however, a student of popular culture--which means I watched entirely too much TV growing up and know things only a baby would find interesting--hence the blog.
Because I’m a fan of “Cable Guy” (The movie, not the Larry) I know that in one episode Kirk had to fight Spock—“Besth frienz forthced to do battle”. And the music went like this: Detteh deh deh deh deh… burrrraahh, burrrahhh—that prolly only works if I’m reading it. Just click here. Or here for The Simpsons version. Or here for the sad real version from 1967. (Gotta love YouTube.)
The point is, Star Trek is huge and all over the pop-culture landscape. Something with such popularity and longevity is bound to draw obsessed fans… these are the people who ruin everything for everyone.
They’re the same people who think Elvis is still alive, wear shoulder pads to football games, say the words “Leave Britney Alone” (I won’t link to it), or shoot a Beatle in the back. They’re the worst. They, I guarantee you, did not diversify their Fanhood portfolio.
You know what that guy in the shoulder pads does after games? He cries. He cries because he has no friends. Even fellow Eagles fans won’t hang out with him because he takes things too far and ruins a good time for everyone. He also goes to the draft and boos #1 picks, which we’ll never hear the end of. (Sorry McNabb)
I’m surprised that wasn’t something Spock taught the Trekkies, seeing as how he’s so logical. If I had grown up on Star Trek and it was my favorite show, I would be upset with the Trekkies because they’re obsession would make other rational people less likely to become fans—which would make it harder for me to relate to other normal fans. I feel like all this fanaticism could have been avoided by one conversation between Spock and Kirk:
You know Spock, I like you, I like what you’re all about.
Spock
Thanks, Kirk. That means a lot coming from you.
Kirk
I think I’m going to start acting like you, dressing like you, and wearing pointy ears just like you.
Spock
Well that seems like you’re taking it a little too far don’t ya think? I mean, you’re Captain Kirk, a good guy in your own right, don’t you think being yourself would be, well, logical?
Kirk
I guess you’re right, just because I respect you and enjoy what you do doesn’t mean I should change who I am. To do so would mean I have no self-respect and I would become what many humans would call, “A Tool”.
Spock
Indeed.
(Spock and Kirk slowly turn toward the camera and stare at the audience until it sinks in.)
The 3rd and final rule for proper Fanhood is to always Use Your Fanhood to Bring You Closer to Others—not tear you apart.
In other words, use your Fanhood for good, not evil.
There are a million different ways to make a connection with someone, but the easiest way will always be liking the same junk.
Did you see the game last night? Wasn't it amazing?
What did you think of the Lost finale? I totally understood
it.
You like crunchy peanut butter? Let’s hang out.
That’s how Fanhood is meant to work. You saw it last fall when the Phillies won the World Series—well you heard it, you were still a zygote at that point. But that parade was Fanhood at it’s finest.
Let your Fanhood be like crunchy peanut butter… a reason to hang out.
Too many people use what they like to hate people who like something different. That sounds vague, I know. Let me give you an anecdotal explanation.
About a year ago I interviewed a hip-hop artist who I’m a big fan of—the highlight of my short journalism career thus far. He’s one of my favorite artists, not because he’s the sickest on the mic
or because the ladies love him—although, chicks do dig him—I like him because I can relate to his songs, he was introverted and analytical—a thinkin’ man’s rapper if you will. That style alone made it an uphill
battle for him as a hip-hop artist.
When the subject of Fanhood came up, he told me how he would get into arguments with his own fans because they would constantly go up to him and say, “I love what you do it’s so much better than what 50 Cent does or the Black Eyed Peas” or some other mainstream artist. This would upset him because—well,
I’ll let him tell you:
(I edited out all the bad words for ya.)
“People need a sense of identity, so they use music and film and art to give themselves that identity—and the problem is people forgot to bond with each other over what they love, so they started to do it over what they hate. So a bunch of people can go, “Hey you know what? I hate this commercial hip-hop that’s out here, so therefore, I’m gonna dig into the underground.” It’s like you know what, just use the fact that you love the underground for your identity don’t use the fact that you hate the mainstream for your identity. In fact, what’s the point of that?”-Slug
What indeed, Sir, what indeed.
You see Connor, your Fanhood is meant to bring you closer to people with common interests, not tear you from people with different ones. That’s the most important rule to remember.
And though you may be destined to be a Redskins fan and I a lifelong Eagles fan—we can still come together as fans of football or sports or the NFC East or our hatred for the Cowboys—wait that last one
kinda goes against what I’ve been trying to say… Ah, whatever—The Cowboys suck.
Well, I guess we’ve learned nothing, again. Someday I’ll get the hang of this.
Your Favorite Uncle,
Kevin
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