Dear Connor,
First of all, I'm sorry I missed your birthday. I wish I could be there for all the anniversaries of your birth, but more likely I will be absent more often than not. Your uncle Kevin is a rambling man. Quite the rambler, indeed. Yup, I sure do ramble. Rambling is one of my biggest problems. I just can't seem to shut it down, the rambling that is.
I think you get the joke, right? You see, rambling has two distinct meanings and I was playing with that double-meaning while at the same time displaying my ability to do one of them. And in case you still haven't caught on, I'm still doing it. But now it's more like stalling than rambling because I have no idea what it is I'm trying to say. (Jokes are always best when you have to explain them heavily after you make them. Try not to remember that.)
Oh, that's right, we are on the eve of the most anticipated Phillies season in recent memory. Fat Joe and the Terror Squad could not have higher expectations. Meanwhile, the heart and soul, and handsomeness of our offense is in serious question with Chase "Chutley" Utley starting the season on the DL. On top of that, our once perfect closer Brad "Beauty Mark" Lidge is also on the DL. This isn't as worrisome as Chutley's injury, but when Lidge is on, he's great, and we need him to get as much work in this season as possible.
These early issues are compounded by the looming NFL lockout, which will put even more pressure on our beloved Phillies to keep us distracted this fall from a bunch of millionaires and billionaires taking away America's most popular sport. I would like to tell you more about the lockout and explain to you why it's such a travesty of greed and social indifference, but I can't even stomach the research it would take to understand why it's happening. So let's pretend it isn't and won't happen. I don't know why, but remaining ignorant helps me pretend the world is a better place than it is. I feel like there should be a saying for this...
One thing I do know, and this a FACT, Chase Utley would never let this happen to baseball. A fact backed by this statistic: Since Chase Utley has been in the majors there have been zero lockouts. Boom! Facts!
In honor of this soon to be historic season, how about some predictions from the prognosticator of prognosticators, your uncle Kevin? I'll take that as a, "Sure, why not". And away we go...
J-Roll Will Return to All-Star Form.
He's got to, right? If not, we could be in trouble. It's all about J-Roll as far as I'm concerned. He's our best trash talker and longest tenured player on the team. If he's playing well, the confidence will trickle down to the rest of the lineup. It's simple baseball Reaganomics.
We Will Miss Jayson Werth, But The Nationals Will Still Suck.
I mean, Werth was great. You need a guy who can put the team behind the powers of his facial hair, which we learned with Brian Wilson and the champs last year. The Giants told everyone to fear the beard and that's exactly what they did. I hope we play them again in the playoffs. My dream last year was that we would get to play the Yankees in the World Series to exact our revenge. Now, our beef is with the Giants. The thing I hate most about the Giants is that I like the Giants. If it wasn't the Phils last year, I'm glad it was them. They have a similar clubhouse feel to the Phillies. Brian Wilson has the crazy person confidence of Freddie Mitchell with the talent of someone who has talent. I like Tim Lincecum because he stopped doing that thing he did in high school where he pinches his nose all the time. And I miss Pat the Bat. Let's move on.
Fat Joe Blanton Will Have the Greatest Year of His Career
No one in the majors has less pressure on them than Joe Blanton. If he's terrible the fans will just go, "Well, I mean, it's Joe Blanton, what do you expect? We can't win em all." He'll be facing lineups that are so worried about the gauntlet of greatness they have to face when he's not on the mound that he'll slide right in there and overachieve. He probably won't have to do an interview all year. I just worry that he'll do so good Charlie might consider pitching him in the playoffs. (I'm not really worried about that)
Placido Polanco Will Get An Award From "The People With Giant Heads Association"
He's due.
Yet Another Phillies Fan Will Embarrass The City and The Human Race
It's getting to be a tradition of disgrace. If there is one thing no one in this world likes it's when some drunk guy intentionally pukes on a little girl. I would tell you to try and remember that, but I seriously doubt it will ever happen anywhere by anyone ever again. Being that Philadelphia is a city with such rich history I think we should take a page from the founding father's book and tie this town drunk to the stocks outside the Betsy Ross house so people can come by to whip him with switches. I would say we should let people come by and puke on him, but that would be too disgusting for anyone to enjoy. I would enjoy seeing this moron get whipped with tree branches. I think we all would. (I'm not sure if Philadelphia ever had stocks, but I'm not going to look it up, so let's assume they did.)
On the other hand, everyone enjoys watching some jerk get tased. Phillies fans have brought that joy to the world several times in the past couple years. I wouldn't recommend being that guy. Try to be the guy who convinces his friend to run onto the field, not the guy who gets convinced. Always remember to pressure your peers--especially if it is to the enjoyment of thousands of strangers, it's caught on tape, and they get temporarily paralyzed through an electric shock. Fun for everyone! (except of course the tased guy)
New York Baseball Will Be Embarrassed Regularly
Oh happy day! The Mets are widely predicted to be dead last this year, but I think they will somehow do worse. Bernie Madoff was recently interviewed from prison and said the thing he's most ashamed of is his involvement with the Mets. As for the evil empire of baseball, the Yankees did all they could to sway Cliff Lee to the Darkside, but in the end he decided it was better to be happy in Philly than hang out with the likes of A-Rod and C.C. Sabathia. If any coach in the league could be compared to Yoda, it would be Charlie Manuel. He's really old, wise, and he talks funny. Seriously though, New York is a bunch of stinkfaces and jerkwads. Boom! Facts!
My Buddy Roscoe Is Psyched!
Carlos "Chooch" Ruis Will Be Your Favorite Player
I predict this based on two things: 1) Chooch is probably the only name you can say right now. And 2) You and Chooch speak very similar versions of the English language. I can already hear you yelling, "Chooooooooch!" and laughing your ass off.
And Finally...
The Philadelphia Phillies Will Win The 2011 World Series!
This is probably my easiest prediction because I know something the general public doesn't know. Since your uncle Kevin lives in the gambling capital of the world (Las Vegas Nevada), he has certain inside information from very reliable sources. I am not at the liberty to divulge the source (Celine Dion) of my super secret info, nor can I get into the specifics (She runs Major League Baseball and possibly the world), but you must trust me, the Phillies will be the 2011 Champions. Fact! Boom!
I hope you've enjoyed my baseball preview as much as I enjoy being omniscient. We'll talk again in a few weeks when you become a big brother. Something I know your aunt Lauren has told you I'm super awesome at. Fact! Boom!
Your Favorite Uncle,
Kevin
P. S. - You Gotta Love Sports!
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