Brothers Don't Shake Hands...

Dear Connor and Jack,

This is gonna* get complicated. I'm now outnumbered by my nephews. How do we address this? Well, first of all I have to give Jack a proper greeting:

(gonna: a lazy way of saying "going to", but your Uncle Kevin hasn't perfected his non-regional diction so that's how he talks. He also talks in the 3rd person.)

Dear Jack,

Welcome to Earth! I know you've been here a whole month already and you probably have a better grasp on the world than I do, but I'm gonna pretend I have something worth teaching anyway. As I did with your brother Connor I want to congratulate you on being a boy--it's pretty sweet. As a boy it doesn't get much more complicated than eating, sleeping, and pooping--which I know you've got down pat. To quote the coach from "Teen Wolf" which I'm opt to do, "Everything else is cream cheese."

We already have a lot in common, you and I. We were both born in April. We are both little brothers. We both enjoy a good nap. We both wake up in our own drool not really knowing how we got here.

Given all these facts, I suspect we'll be best friends in no time--just as soon as we are formally introduced.

(Now I'd like to address the both of you separately about your new roles as Big Brother and Little Brother. It's very important that you only read the parts that are addressed to you. Doing otherwise will cause "Dora the Explorer" to be canceled. Do not test the rules!)

Connor,

Congratulations! Being a big brother is a very important responsibility. As your Aunt Lauren will tell you, I'm prolly the best big brother in the history of the world. You will undoubtedly learn as you go, but if I can give you a heads up on some things you'll have a head start on being the #2 best big brother in the history of the world.

First of all, stop being so nice. I know he's a baby, but you gotta toughen him up. Start with some light name calling. Try "jerk face" or "poop monster" or "doo doo face". Stuff like that. Adding "face" to pretty much any word works great.

Jack,

Being the little brother means you're gonna take a lot of crap from Connor. He'll say he's just trying to toughen you up, but we all know that's a bunch of bull. He's just being a jerk. Your initial feeling will be to "tell on him", but fight that urge. It will only anger him further and telling on him will only make you feel better for a second. You'll get hit with the "tattle tale" moniker and in the end it will still feel like he's won. What you want to do is wait. Wait until he least suspects it. And he suspects things the least when he's sleeping. Once he's asleep put toothpaste in his hair. He'll wake up and think he had a teeth brushing accident the night before and didn't realize it. He won't suspect a thing. I'm still pretty sure your Uncle Ryan doesn't know it was me, but that's probably because some of the time it actually was him.

Connor,

Make sure you give Jack some kind of complex that will bother him his whole life. Nothing too severe, just something about his physical appearance that will concern him every time he looks in the mirror. It doesn't have to be true. Tell him he has "Dumbo Ears" whether he does or not. Then try to work in a giant ears joke a few times a day. Eventually he'll grow his hair long just to hide his ears, which are probably normal size, but to him they will be the ears of a 90-year-old man. Whatever you do, don't make fun of him for having a giant head and a little body, like that of a lollipop. Don't combine that with his giant feet and call him Bobby from the 90's cartoon "Bobby's World" either. It is really mean and it's been done to death. He will just end up wearing hats all the time to the point that his nickname in college will be about how he always wears a hat a certain way and most of his friends won't even know his first name. A terrible, terrible fate.

Jack,

Try your best to mimic everything Connor does. Not because you look up to him in any way, but because that's a super annoying thing to do. It's gonna get on his nerves really quickly. One of the best ways to eat away at his patience is to order the same lunch as him every day. If Connor wants peanut butter and jelly, so do you. If he decides he changes his mind and asks for peanut butter and fluff, you think about it for a second, then you too change your order to a fluff-a-nutter. Your Aunt Lauren used to do this to me all the time and it drove me insane. It's the little things that matter, Jack. You have to eat away at his patience little by little. What's a little brother for if not to be the human equivalent of Chinese water torture? (Another good one is to write/carve his name into a piece of furniture. It took 20 years for people to find out it wasn't "Tim" who carved his name into the back seat of the mini van.)

Connor,

Don't let Jack copy you.

Jack,

Whenever possible sneak into Connor's room and touch all his things. You don't have to necessarily play with his toys, but at least move them around so they look like they've been played with. It's important to keep up appearances. Maybe you have toys of your own toys you like playing with more. Doesn't matter. He needs to be in constant fear that whenever he's not around, you are in his room playing with his toys and touching all his stuff. Whatever you do, never--and I mean never--ask permission to borrow his stuff. It defeats the whole purpose and really takes the joy out of it all.

Connor,

Don't let Jack into your room for any reason. I know he's seems like an innocent baby, but he will destroy your things just to watch them break. All your favorite toys will cease to be special once your little brother gets any joy out of them. I know it seems like the right thing to do is to share your toys with your little brother, but the law clearly states that once your little brother plays with something, that thing becomes uncool. Do you want your favorite toys to all of sudden be uncool? I didn't think so, Connor, I didn't think so.

Jack and Connor,

You guys are brothers which means you're stuck with each other for a while. No one was as hard on me as my brothers were. And though I still don't believe they were trying to toughen me up, but really just enjoyed watching me suffer, I did grow a thick skin as a byproduct. (I'm also pretty self-conscious about my thick skin. It's a catch-22.)

Children, in general, are a mean group of people. Knowing the kids at school could never tease me worse than I got it at home gave me enough confidence to be myself around strangers. (Something most strangers wish was less true.)

It takes years to know someone well enough to know what they love, what they hate, and what doesn't matter to them at all. And you need all that information if you really want to drive someone insane. As brothers, this information will be readily available. Use it to your advantage whenever possible.

I'm not worried about either of you. Tormenting your siblings is in your blood. It's a family tradition. You'll both be naturals.

Good luck to you both. I can't wait to find out who wins.

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmTRFvZ_Cp4