Dear Connor,
It’s your first day of school tomorrow. Well, your first day of preschool. I never went to preschool. I decided to spend that year finding myself and attend kindergarten the following year. It’s a decision I still think about to this day. Did I make the right choice? Would I be more socially adept if I hadn’t skipped out on a year finger painting and naps with my peers? But without that year of watching Fred Penner’s Place and The Elephant Show I would have missed all that hippie nonsense they taught me like sing-a-longs and empathy. I may never know the true affects of that decision, but according to TV, "education is paramount" so let's assume you're making the right decision by attending preschool.
It’s your first day of school tomorrow. Well, your first day of preschool. I never went to preschool. I decided to spend that year finding myself and attend kindergarten the following year. It’s a decision I still think about to this day. Did I make the right choice? Would I be more socially adept if I hadn’t skipped out on a year finger painting and naps with my peers? But without that year of watching Fred Penner’s Place and The Elephant Show I would have missed all that hippie nonsense they taught me like sing-a-longs and empathy. I may never know the true affects of that decision, but according to TV, "education is paramount" so let's assume you're making the right decision by attending preschool.
Over the next two decades or so school will be a big part
of your life and I don't want you to be as unprepared for everything as I was/am, so I'll be here to to give you unwarranted advice through out this unimaginable hellscape we call .
Let's begin with the most important class:
Let's begin with the most important class:
Lunch
After breakfast, I think lunch is definitely the 2nd meal of
the day. Unless you’re going to brunch, but let’s be honest, that’s just a late
breakfast. Lunch for you right now is pretty simple; you place an order with
your waitress* and a few minutes later you have your cut up chunks of
hotdogs. But in school, things get
complicated. Not only will you have your lunch, but other kids will have
lunches as well, and sometimes...you covet thy neighbor's lunch.
(*Mom, Dad, Pop-pop, Mom-mom, Aunt Lauren, etc.)
I mean sure, you have Teddy Grahams, which are great, but that kid has
Dunkaroos. Dunkaroos are like Teddy Grahams, but with delicious frosting to dip
it in. You may have a banana, which you like, but that kid has a Snack Pack, which is
objectively better than a banana. Welcome to the free market, Connor.
Everything is negotiable. It’s not what you start with, but what you finish
with. Maybe you, like Billy Madison, cannot trade a banana for a Snack Pack, but you can trade that banana for something. Then you take that something and trade it for something else, with each trade coming closer and closer to your milk-chocolatey brass ring.
Here’s a clip from David Mamet's Glengarry Glen Ross to help you with your
salesmanship: Learn Your
ABC’s. (NSFPS)
Naptime
Enjoy it while it lasts. One day--out of nowhere--you’ll be reprimanded for
sleeping in class. Like it's your fault Latin is boring. It's also not your fault that school starts at like 4AM. Some of us are night owls who like to stay up to watch Letterman's Top 10 and reruns of Cheers and Night Court, but does that matter to your 1st period teacher? No. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh right, naps.
Naps can be dangerous at your age. Sometimes you dream about swimming around in a swimming pool and you wake up with less than dry pants. Don't panic. That's what they want. Act like you meant to do it. It’s the only move you can make. What’s done is done. Own it. Some girl will probably yell, “Eww! Connor peed!” Don’t sweat her. Look her right in the eye and say, “What of it?” She’ll respect you for it.
Naps can be dangerous at your age. Sometimes you dream about swimming around in a swimming pool and you wake up with less than dry pants. Don't panic. That's what they want. Act like you meant to do it. It’s the only move you can make. What’s done is done. Own it. Some girl will probably yell, “Eww! Connor peed!” Don’t sweat her. Look her right in the eye and say, “What of it?” She’ll respect you for it.
Recess
First thing’s first, find the toughest kid in class, punch
him right in the face. No one will mess with you after that. Notice the kid who
laughed like a weasel when you punched that dude (important: make sure it's a dude), he’ll be your lackey or
toady, whichever you prefer. Take him under your wing, make him do stuff for
you, let him laugh at your jokes but if he laughs too hard shoot him a threatening look. You have to keep him in check, make sure he knows his role. The bully/toadie dynamic has succeeded for centuries: Zach and Screech, ,
Scott Farkus and Grover Dill, Jaba the Hut and that little laughing dude, Dick Chaney and George Bush, the list is endless.
Bullies are getting a bad rap right now, but don't be swayed by the lame stream media*. Without bullies there would be no nerds and without nerds there would be no Internets and without Internets I would have to send this letter to you on horseback and that may take months. Simply put, without bullies there would be no Internet. Bullies make the world go round. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for being who you are...that's your job.
(*You see it's actually the "main stream media" but I replaced "main" with "lame" because I find that complicated level of wordplay clever. I didn't do well in school, Connor.)
Actual Classes
Bullies are getting a bad rap right now, but don't be swayed by the lame stream media*. Without bullies there would be no nerds and without nerds there would be no Internets and without Internets I would have to send this letter to you on horseback and that may take months. Simply put, without bullies there would be no Internet. Bullies make the world go round. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for being who you are...that's your job.
(*You see it's actually the "main stream media" but I replaced "main" with "lame" because I find that complicated level of wordplay clever. I didn't do well in school, Connor.)
Actual Classes
Though classes aren't as important as lunch or recess, they still have value. As I mentioned earlier, I didn't go to preschool and I don't really remember my first day of kindergarten, but I do remember my first day of 1st grade. If my memory serves me correctly, it lasted for 467 hours, which I thought was a tad lengthy.
I was excited for 1st grade, I thought I'd finally get some respect now that I was 1st. Kindergarten wasn't even even a grade and now I was 1st. All that pride and excitement came to a crashing end quickly when I found out my teacher's purpose in life was to embarrass me at all costs.
On the first day of 1st grade my teacher wrote something on the board and asked, “Who here can read?” And I just graduated with hovering colors from kindergarten and I knew the alphabet front to back. I even stopped saying “elimenopee”. So, I thought, knowing the alphabet was reading. You see, Connor, I thought I could read, but I couldn’t. Turns out, reading is a whole different thing. So I shot my hand up and of course she called my unknowing bluff. “What does this say?” she asked. So I start saying the letters and she stops me. What are you talking about, lady? I am reading. And if you’d stop interrupting me I’d finish, geeze. Before I knew it people were laughing, the teacher was shaking her head, and I eventually realized I didn't know how to read. Not a great start. Pretty much the rest of my life has gone like that first day of 1st grade. I speak, embarrass myself, and people laugh at me.
I learned a valuable lesson that day, Connor: Reading is dumb. And teachers are jerks who shouldn't set you up like that. And I hate everyone and I'M NEVER GOING BACK!
No, that's not right. Reading isn't dumb and that was only 60% my teacher's fault. I know that now. Sometimes the lessons won't hit you until you're a super mature grown up like I am. And though we both know the most important lessons are learned outside the classroom, without the lessons in the classroom, you will find yourself shouting letters like an idiot in the classroom of life. What? I dunno.
Good luck on your first day, buddy. I think if you do the opposite of everything I told you to do here today, you'll be just fine.
Your Favorite Uncle,
Kevin
P.S.- Hi, Jack. This letter was for Connor, but while it is Connor's time at school, it's your time at home. Your time at home. Enjoy it. I know you will. Goonies never say die.
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