The Boy Who Cried Pretzel...

Dear Connor,

I need to talk you about something very serious. Something I hoped I'd never have to speak to you about. Something that has taken over public discourse and is the subject of several marches on Washington. I'm of course talking about the pretzel addiction epidemic. It might even be a pandemic. I'm not totally sure because no one has successfully explained to me the difference.

At any rate, I'm worried about you. I noticed in my recent visit that you’re growing up, getting a little bigger and a little wiser every day. Wise enough to know what you like. And what you like are pretzel rods. If I didn't know better I’d say you were made up of mostly pretzel rod. But I do know better. I know you are made up of mostly water cause you’re a human baby, but I’m pretty sure the rest is all pretzel rod.

And I’m not judging you. I would never do that. I just want to tell you a story. A story about a boy. A boy who loved pretzels--some say he still does--but those people need to mind their own business and let the boy be. Who are they to say the boy has had too many pretzels? He knows how many pretzels he can handle. He happens to have a high tolerance for pretzels. He can pretz with the best of em.

Alright, I can't keep up this ruse any longer. I can't lie to you, Connor. The little boy was me. I was a addicted to pretzels. I was a Pretz Head. A Pretzophite. And I don't want you to fall into the same habits and behavior as I did. Like hanging outside 7-Eleven waiting for it to open so you can get a fresh pretzel only to realize 7-Eleven never closes so you feel dumb for sitting out there in the cold for hours. Sure, you saw a bunch of people go in and get coffee and yet you still sat out there because you figured maybe they all just worked there. How many people could possibly work at one 7-Eleven?!? The pretzels had warped my mind.

I know what you're thinking. "What do you know about loving pretzels, old man? You don't know what it's like for me and my other baby friends. You don't know about pretzin'. Quit narcin' my buzz. Quit harshin' my gig. Did you really sit outside a 7-Eleven and wait for it to open?" And though I am troubled you've already started disregarding the g's in the suffixes of your words, I am not here to narc buzzes or harsh gigs. I just want you to know pretzel addiction can be a painful condition to grow up with.

You're lucky we live in such a progressive and civilized society that protects you from yourself. Back when I was growing up in the 1990's things were different. It was like the Wild West, but with pretzels. Pretzels were everywhere and ripe for the taking.

Whenever you were stuck in traffic on the way to the Vet to catch a Phils or Birds game or headed down the shore, these magical men would show up selling delicious pretzels. No one knew where they came from and no one cared. "Four delicious pretzels for a dollar", he'd say. (Or something like that. I never actually talked to them. I was entranced by the salty treat I was about to receive.) And just like that you had a pretzel of your very own.

And it didn't matter that you had the middle seat or that for some reason you couldn't stop hitting yourself--which made it increasingly difficult to answer your brother's question as to why you were hitting yourself--because you had a pretzel and everything was right with the world.

We even had pretzels at school. They sold them at recess for the same super low price as the mysterious highway pretzel salesmen. You could lift up one couch cushion and find enough change to keep you in pretzels for weeks. Maybe months.

But it was the 90's, it was all free love and pretzels all the time. President Clinton was in the White House running the country--some say the world--and it was just one big party with that guy. A party...that never ran out of pretzels.

By 1997 I was eating 3 or 4 soft pretzels a day at lunch; washing it down with two cups of cheese dipping sauce and a can of Mug root beer. True story. I would be picked on daily by the other children. They would call me names like "Pretzel Boy" and "Boy Who Loves Pretzels" and "That Kid With The Pretzels" (It was actually just one kid and he wasn't very creative).

Then one day everything changed.

Jim Garner's mustache and his Action News Team did a little investigative reporting. What they found was disturbing (The results of investigative reporting always seem to be disturbing.). Do you remember those awesome men I told you about earlier? The ones who would show up on the highway whenever you were in traffic to sell you pretzels. Well, it turns out those gentlemen weren't the most sanitary Good Samaritans. (Honestly though, where were they supposed to wash their hands? They appeared from thin air onto the highway.)

Soon enough the pretzel guys were gone. And now even WaWa and 7-Eleven cover their pretzels with plastic because of the scandal. I'm pretty sure there's a Surgeon General's Warning on the wrapper too. Frankly, without all the germs and boogers the pretzels just don't taste the same.

Sure, the world is safer for it. People can sleep at night knowing their pretzels are safe, but at what price? Now we have to go out of our way to one of the several thousand convenient stores on every block to get a pretzel. How "convenient" is it if you have to actually leave your car? It's not right, Connor. It's just not right.

You know what, I started this letter thinking I was going to tell you about variety and moderation, but now I'm just angry I can't walk outside right now and get a pretzel. I want a pretzel, Connor. Pretzels are awesome. I miss those pretzel guys. I miss them and I miss their germs. Their germs tasted delicious. How do we even know germs are harmful? Science? According to my friend Gob Bluth, the jury is still out on science.

You've been right about pretzels since the beginning. They're salty delicious treats that you literally can't have enough of. I say enjoy your pretzel freedom while it lasts. There's no telling when the government is going to knock on our door and take our pretzels. Sure, the Pretzel Amendment in The Constitution allows us to keep and bare pretzels, but who knows what the potato chip lobbyists have up their sleeve?

So your lesson today is pretzels are delicious, the government wants to take our pretzels, and...um...um... GO PHILLIES!!!

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin

Post Script: Although I’m very proud of you for learning how to share, sometimes you can be a little too persistent with the offering of the drooled on pretzel rod. Don’t get me wrong, I prefer soft pretzels to hard pretzels, I do. It’s just I’m not always hungry. And besides, you deserve the whole thing.

Happy Football Day!

Connor,

Oh boy! Oh boy! It's finally here! The day we've been waiting for all year! I'm so happy I may shed a tear! Ummm... I hope Brett Favre gets knocked on his rear? I'll have a bagel with extra shmear??

Okay, so I'm not a poet. Who cares? It's football day! Finally. It seems like a billion years since the Super Bowl--which would make the old keg in my backyard a billion year old keg. But we made it. It's really here. In a matter of minutes the first kick will be kicked and the 2010 NFL season will be underway. In honor of this special day I wanted to write to you and discuss the many great things that will (probably) happen over this season.

Usually I'm not a big fan of predictions or the prognosticators behind those predictions, but that's because the prognosticator isn't me. And you know how I detest opinions that aren't mine. It just doesn't make sense to listen to others when you know in your heart of hearts that you've never been wrong about one thing ever. Not ever.

Anyway, without Freddy Ado, here are my guaranteed, locked up, full-proofed, super awesome predictions for the 2010 NFL season.

#1: Brett Favre Will Die.

Not like really die. Or that an old kicker he used to hold for is plotting revenge on him or anything like that. Just his story will finally die. Sometime during this season Brett Favre's career will finally come to an end. Ten thousand sports writers around the world will shed a tear right after they call their publisher about the Brett Favre book they've been secretly writing entitled, "Having Fun Out There: The Brett Favre Story and Other Drams I've Had About Brett and His Wrangler Jeans". What I would love to happen is for one announcer to just go rogue and decide he's not going to mention how much fun Brett is having out there or how much he just loves playing the game. Instead, he does just the opposite. Not just announce how much he despises Brett Favre, but also just make things up. Get the whole Brett Favre story wrong to piss off everyone who has spent to much time shoving that story down our throats every Sunday for the last 20 years. Something like this:

"And here comes Brett Favre the legendary quarterback. Known for his conservative style and game management Brett Favre has impressed us all ever since he graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design where his father taught him everything he knows about exterior illumination. As many of you already know, Brett Favre hates football. Unfortunately his dream of being a professional animal stylist fell through after a tough addiction to cat nip made him leave the profession forever. After that he had a string of jobs that he quit, but then tried to come back to work the following day as if it never happened. That's when he stumbled upon this NFL quarterback gig that takes a little bit of his soul every day. Because, like I said, he hates this game. He hates it so very very much."

That's all I'm asking.


#2 The Detroit Lions Win the Super Bowl

...in a Madden season that I simulated from the 1995 Sega Genesis edition. This is less of a prediction than a fact.

# 3 Donovan McNabb Misses Multiple Games

Sorry Washington. It's not you, it's him. Okay, it's you too. You just have horrible luck. And a horrible owner. And an ugly uniform. With a racist name. I don't believe in curses, but I have seen Pet Sematary a bunch and I just wouldn't mess with Native Americans. I'm pretty sure they've gotten over being confused with Indians from India, they've accepted that. But Redskins? I can't imagine they're cool with that.

#4 The Super Bowl Will Make Me Angry

I hate the Super Bowl. It's everything about football that a person who like football hates. Everything done before, at half, and during the Super Bowl is meant to keep the people that hate football entertained. Halftime shows are the worst. I don't need Shania Twain and Justin Timberlake prancing around for 3 hours. I just want to watch the game. Pregame shows are bad enough on a regular Sunday--which is why I love the Pacific Time Zone, 10am kickoffs are awesome. On Super Bowl Sunday the pregame is 12 hours long and has 32 versions of Michael Irving yelling some nonsense about "The Peyton Mannings and the Sean Peytons" when there is only one Peyton manning and one Sean Peyton and I just...I just can't take it. It's the worst. I'm already angry. Let's just move on.

#5 Ron "Jaws" Jaworski Will Grow His Mustache Back

What are you doing, Jaws? You look weird without your mustache and you've been mustache free for a while now. No one is getting used to it. We all miss your mustache. It's apart of us as much as it is you. Plus, you're a weird looking dude. The more facial hair the better. And if we can agree on one thing as a country, as human beings, it's that there aren't enough mustaches in...(wait for it)...(wait for it)..."The National Football League". Do it for your country, Jaws.

#6 Your Uncle Kevin Will Win His Fantasy League

This is once again less of a prediction and more of a fact. Naming my team after Swayze for the last five years will finally pay off. Because Swayze is dead now, and like a Jedi, he is more powerful dead than alive.

#7 Tom Brady Will Win People's Sexiest Man Alive

I mean, he's been getting robbed for years. Matt Damon, really? Really?!? Come on. And this year he's going for it. He's got this new haircut modeled after the Justin Beiber. He's clearly going for the younger demographic. He's two years removed from knee surgery, which means his sexiness is basically back to 100%. He's got to win. He's just got to.

#8 A Cincinnati Bengal Will Be Arrested

I know this is one of those safe, boring predictions, but considering 98% of their current roster is on probation wouldn't it be unlikely for them to risk yet another arrest? Wouldn't it? I just hope it's not Pacman. And I hope it's T.O. But unless the president passes some kind of Anti-Douche Law, it's unlikely T.O. will be arrested. (And likely Pacman will be)

#9 No One Cares About My Fantasy Team

I know. I know you don't care. No fantasy football story is every interesting to anyone except the person telling it. It just isn't. It's like an unbreakable law of physics. Gravity exists. The earth goes around the sun. Eli Manning is a dork. And no one cares how you barely lost your fantasy game last week. It's impossible to make your team interesting to another human being even if that person is in your fantasy league. It's the ultimate subject where people just wait for you to stop talking so they can talk. And even though I know this to be true, I will still bore you with the legend of Team Swayze...it's really an epic tale.

#10 Your Grandmother Will Tell You How Much She Hates Football, But She Secretly Loves It

She may complain about spending all day Sunday cooking while your father, your uncles, and your grandfather all sit in front of the TV with their laptops on their laps following their respective fantasy teams and the Eagles, but she loves it. Even more than she loves football though, she loves complaining about it's stranglehold over our family. And we secretly love how she complains about it every Sunday. Why? Because it's tradition. And tradition just gets seared into your being. It feels like home. And even if you don't realize you love it, you will miss it when it's not around. And I do.

Happy Football Day, Connor.

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin

Taking Your Talents to South Beach...

Connor,

Hey having a great summer? KIT. See ya next year! School Sucks! (Those are yearbook jokes, something you'll probably never have at this point. I think the Facebook has rendered yearbooks obsolete.)

Anyway, I've decided it's time for another letter to my favorite nephew. I've also decided to tell you about the much maligned one-hour special titled "The Decision" and why it's not the end of the world.

Last week Lebron James--the most gifted athlete on the planet--officially decided to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers and "take his talents to South Beach" to play for the Miami Heat. I know this may not seem like a big deal, but it was. Whether it was or it wasn't it was. (it makes sense if you read it a bunch of times.)

His choice to leave Cleveland was interesting to most people because they couldn't escape the 24/7 coverage on ESPN and news is slow in the summer.

The way he announced his decision was interesting to people because it was really interesting. To most of us, Lebron James is a seemingly good guy. He did not come off this way during his hour long special. "The Decision" made several crucial mistakes that have widely been criticized. Those criticisms are as follows:

(1)Lebron didn't think about (or care) what he was doing to Cleveland fans (and owner) with such a grandiose "I think we should break up" announcement on live television. This is probably true.

(2)The hour long process to answer one question was horribly self-serving, narcissistic and worst of all--it was really, really bad television. It was one Snookie short of a complete and total embarrassment to American culture. This is all true.

(3)And to top it off--to put the rotten cherry on this poop flavored sundae--Lebron gets Jim Gray to be the guy who interviews him. Jim Gray is the worst. Or possibly in this case, the best--for an event that came across as completely unaware of itself, you might as well get the one reporter who never seems to be aware of the moment. Sadly true.

These things are indisputable. But we should get over it and Cavs fans should get over it and poor heart broken Cavs owner Dan Gilbert should get over it.

Lebron has been labeled the villian in this situation by most members of the media. Dan Gilbert wrote a letter to Cavs fans which I think even you would have found immature and overly emotional. (And I watched you get upset because your mom had to go to the bathroom and you were left with me for 10 seconds. Sorry about all three times I let you hit your head during that span, by the way.)

This is brings us to why I felt it important for you to hear this story. We all, as fans, idolize these complete strangers and--to a certain extent--that's perfectly normal. No one was more idolized by the Cleveland fans than Lebron James, so I understand why they are upset he left.

What we must understand is that the relationship we have with athletes is completely one sided. As much as I want Chase Utley to care about me the way I care about him, it's just not gonna happen. I miss Brian Dawkins, but he probably doesn't miss me. (Although, if anyone were to get attached to individual fans it might be Dawk, he cried during many a interview. He's a passionate dude.) These athletes are still real people and the only loyalty they need to have is to their friends and family. And that's exactly how Lebron claimed he came to his decision.

Lebron said he chose to go to Miami because he felt he would be happiest there. And he sought his mother's advice when making his decision. He wasn't thinking about his aspiring global icon status (NY Knicks) or doing what would keep his image in tact and make the most money (Cavs). He just wanted to play basketball with his friends (Wade and Bosh) and have a chance to win. (And live in Miami--which has the most beautiful, um...beaches. When you're older I'll tell you what's on those beaches that makes them so beautiful.)

What's better than playing a game you love and were born to play for millions of dollars? Playing with your friends. I mean, isn't doing what you love with the people you care about what everyone wants? To me, his decision was the most American thing he could do--the pursuit of happiness personified. That's Constitutional, yo.

I think Lebron is a great role model for you. Work hard and make the most of the talents you were given and you get to do what you want, where you want, with the people you want to do it with. Remember that and everything else is cream cheese. (copyright: Coach from Teenwolf)

Also, as a basketball fan, it's gonna be awesome to watch those guys play together. You gotta love sports!

(The only real downside to Lebron in Miami is it further complicating the Jay-Z line, "If Jesus payin' Lebron I'm payin' Dwayne Wade" I didn't understand it before, and now it's just completely baffling. Is Jay-Z the devil in this situation? Is he God? And why do either own a basketball team? It's a mystery.)

I only hope one day you get to "take your talents to South Beach". Metaphorically speaking.

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin

Post Script: Tell your dad Happy Birthday! Yay Birthdays!

One Year Over And What Have We Learned...

Connor,
Happy 1^st birfday, one year ago today you were birfed. You successfully survived your first lap around the sun. Whether you're opening a business or being a human person the first year is always the toughest. And you did it with flying colors, most of which came from your diaper, but flying colors nonetheless. And believe me when I say this, it only gets easier from here on out. It certainly doesn’t become more complicated, confusing, or challenging. I mean, you’ve already mastered the walking and eating parts and that’s most of what life is right there.

Birthdays are great because you get free stuff just for being alive and there’s cake. But since you're a dude—albeit a very small dude—your birthday will mean less than if you were say, not a dude. Because for not a dudes—let's call them girls for brevity’s sake--birthdays are much more important. You may be wondering why that is. Well, I have no idea. I can help fill you in on a lot of things, Connor. But the complexity of the female psyche is something I try unsuccessfully not to think about and I have yet to find any satisfying answers. Just know that boys and girls are different and you can forget a dude’s birthday without any repercussion, but don’t you ever forget a girl’s birthday. Not ever.

When you get to my age your birthday isn’t nearly as important because not a whole lot changes for you. Come to think of it, I can’t remember what I did on any birthday except for my last one and even that is a little hazy. An Irish pub was involved and I think I challenged an old lady to an arm wrestling match. If my memory is correct, I won the match convincingly.

I may not be able to remember my birthdays, but I could give you a detailed account of the time everyone forgot Michelle’s birthday on Full House or the time everyone forgot Screech’s birthday on Saved By the Bell or the time Will got Ashley’s favorite singer to sing to her at her birthday party and many other birthdays of fictional characters. Why is this? I don’t know. But try to make friends, Connor. Friends are important. Real ones. Not just people who you think are your friends until their show gets canceled and you never see them again. Unless they’re syndicated and then you’ll see them on re-runs, but it’s not the same, Connor. It’s not the same.

ANYWAY, I don’t want you to end up like me. I don’t want you to confuse fiction—poor unsophisticated fiction at that—with real life. It’s no way to live. Thankfully, there’s almost no shot of that happening since a string of unfortunate events would have to occur for you to be as socially inept or as detached from reality as your uncle Kevin. So let’s forget I said any of this and just look into the future. Let’s take a look at your next 20 birthdays and what separates the good birthdays from the great birthdays.

Ages 2 through 9

Free stuff and cake. Not too shabby.

Age 10

This is a big deal because history is defined by decades, so whatever is popular from 2009-2019 will be ingrained in your psyche whether you like it or not. I know we've gone over this before. It's the reason I can't change the station if Ah Ha’s “Take On Me” comes on the radio. For you it will probably be some Lady Gaga or Miley Cyrus song and I'm truly sorry for that. Age 10 is pretty cool because you add a digit to your age and that won’t happen again until you turn 100, so it’s pretty special. And 10 is just a cool number, when people ask you your age and you fire back with 10, they’re always impressed.

Ages 11-15

Awkward. Girls. More Awkward. Good Luck.

Age 16

This is a big one. Making it to 16 is tough. You’ve been waiting for it since you turned 13, and those are three, long, awkward years. But this is your year. You get your license and the freedom and independence of being able to drive yourself to the movies is indescribable. For your parents, however, just reading this paragraph and thinking about you driving is scaring them to death. Your aunt Lauren has been driving for several years and no one is really comfortable with it. Just remember, Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility. And be sure to watch The Bronx Tale before your first date—it’ll save you some time.

Age 17

One more year ‘til you’re 18.

Age 18

Congratulations you can vote!! But it’s 2017, so I’m not sure what you can vote on. You missed re-electing president Palin by just one year. Too bad. According to the U.S. government you are now an adult, but only to the U.S. government. To everyone else you are still a child. So the “I’m 18!! I’m an adult!!” argument won’t get you anywhere. Also, everything you think you know, the exact opposite is actually true—I know, it sucks.

Age 19

Last year as a teenager, maybe now you’ll get some respect. Good luck with that.

Age 20

They should just get rid of this age completely. Possibly the most frustrating birthday there is. It’s the limbo of adolescence. Is there any responsibility you can’t handle at 20 that you can handle at 21? I don’t think there is. But what’s another 365 days, right?

Age 21

You made it. You now have the rights of every other freedom loving American. It’s a great feeling. And what makes it even better is knowing you lasted 21 years without drinking one drop of alcohol. Riiiiiiight.

After 21 you stop paying attention to your birthday. Some days I’m not even sure how old I am. As you get older you realize your birthday really isn’t about you, it’s about your mom. I mean, she did all the work really. And your birthday will always mean more to her than it will to you. All you really did on your birthday was show up. So with that said, Happy Connor’s 1^st birthday, Casey.

I gotta go be some place.

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin

Coocoo For Coco's Poof

Dear Connor,

It's 2010, which is read as "twenty ten", not two thousand ten, the former is more concise and its the way movie posters will do it, so everyone will have to accept it as law. Actually, movie posters have already made this decision with "2012". So I guess this didn't need explaining. Unless you were unaware that our dialect is dictated by movie posters, in which case, duh.

ANYWAY, we're now a month into 2010 and I still don't know what to make of the 00's (read: aughts). I know it may be too early to say this, but the aughts might be the most non-descript decade in the history of the world. Is that a bold statement? Possibly. Could we make an argument? Sure. Are we? No.

Instead of the typical decade-in-review I want to address what's happened in 2010 thus far--just like Mark McGwire, I'm not here to talk about the past. Also, like McGwire, I've taken enough steroids to kill all six Ultimate Warriors, spent most of the past decade in a blind Hulk-like rage and am unable to recall anything I've done in the last 20 years.

(Note: I will spend the remainder of this letter talking about the past.)

So far this year the leading story in the world of infotainment has been the debacle at NBC involving it's late night talk show hosts Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien. Since you probably haven't been following this story, let me give you a background on these two entertainers, then I will objectively tell you what happened. Objectively.

Jay Leno:

• A comedian who made his rise during the late 1970's.
• Only known contribution to comedy: pretending to get hit by a car to help end the comic strike of 1979
• Stabbed David Letterman in the back and stole The Tonight Show in 1992
• Consistently sports the Canadian Tuxedo
• Has never made anyone with an I.Q. over 80 laugh
• Became very successful by pandering, delivering jokes in a high pitch squeal, and stealing bits from other comedians.
• Has the world's largest chin
  

Conan O'Brien:

• Wrote for Saturday Night Live from 1987-1991
• Wrote for The Simpsons 1992-1993. (I watched this season recently and it might be the best season ever. It's certainly when they started hitting their stride. Mr. Plow, Marge vs. The Monorail, The Itchy and Scratchy Movie, Wacking Day, A Streetcar Named Marge, Kamp Krusty... I mean the episode list is like a 'Best Of' compilation. O'Brien is given the sole writing credit on three episodes, one of which, Marge vs. The Monorail, is on every Simpson's fan Top 10. I love it because it's hilarious and clever and my middle school once put on the play "The Music Man" so I even understand the references to a 1962 musical--which I've always been strangely proud of.)
• Plucked out of obscurity in 1993 by Lorne Michaels to replace David Letterman as host of The Late Show. In it's 17 year run, Late Night with Conan O'Brien has brought us comedy gold that include: In the Year 2000, Robert Smigel's Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, The Andy vs. Conan staring contests, The String Dance, and of course The Masturbating Bear
• Is known to resemble the President of Finland and actress Tilda Swinton. Despite his debilitating Irish look, he has somehow had a successful career in television.

Now, those are the indisputable facts about each guy. Facts. Why is it important for you to know who these two men are? Because they represent two completely different ideologies in America. A distinction I think you need to be aware of. It's the difference between people who enjoy being challenged with entertainment and people who need to wear a helmet while watching television. It's the difference between people who respect comedy as something that's alive and evolving and people who think "Jay Walking" and misspelled headlines is funny.

The point is, Connor, there's a war on comedy and you have to pick a side. I talk a lot about comedy, basically to anyone who will listen and to many who just pretend to listen. Being a child of television, an obsessive student of comedy, and a creature of the night, I became a fan of late night television at a very young age. I think I was about your age when I decided I liked Letterman over Leno. Maybe slightly older. I can still remember trying to stay up for Letterman's Top Ten--then I would flip it over to reruns of Cheers and Night Court. Eventually I was able to stay up even later and I discovered Conan O'Brien. I'd never seen anything like him, he was all over the place physically and his comedy was cerebral and juvenile at the same time. He was a walking cartoon. He was the first comedian I could identify with. So naturally, when I heard he was taking over the Tonight Show and Leno--who I never understood--would be retiring I was overjoyed. I get Conan earlier and Leno disappears. It's a win/win. This however, is not what happened.

Leno lingered around. Conan was put in a position to fail and as a result wasn't his usual self. And in the end, Conan lost his job and Jay Leno took back the Tonight Show. It's the biggest network debacle since the last time they gave Jay Leno the Tonight Show. You can't really blame Leno, he's just looking out for Leno, which is what he's always done and always will do. It's who he is. As for Conan, his dream of hosting the Tonight Show was bitter and short-lived. But he'll be better because of it.

Where's the lesson in all this? That's a good question, Connor. On the surface, it would seem the lesson is look out for your own interests, sell-out to the lowest common denominator, give no thought to how your actions affect anyone else and no matter how lacking you are in talent or ability you will succeed. But let's not judge this book by it's ass-backwards cover.

The truth is, Conan O'Brien has had incredible success. He wasn't given the Tonight Show--or The Late Show for that matter--because he's really good looking (debilitating Irishness) or because his dad hosted the show before him or because he was willing to become the antithesis of comedy to please the retarded American public. His success has come from undeniable talent, hard work, being himself, and always taking the high road. His fans are loyal because we know we can trust him to always challenge us and never talk down to us. And we'll be waiting for him in September when he gets picked up by Fox.

As for Leno and NBC, they'll continue to dumb it down and they'll continue to get the ratings. But who cares, that's got nothing to do with us. Live and Let Be Dumb. In the meantime, I suggest you check out Season 4 of the Simpsons, it's really, really good.

(I was gonna talk more about other news stories: Tiger Woods, The Jersey Shore, Some homeless guy singing about people's pants being on the ground. But I figure in 20 years you'll see Tiger on Sports Center, you'll see President Situation on CNN, and that homeless guy will be dead.)

Also, tell your Aunt Lauren Happy Birthday for me. And give her a nice birthday poop to clean up.

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin

A Festivus For The Rest Of Us

Connor,

I’m sure since your mom has no doubt been blasting Christmas music for about two months now you are aware that something has changed. On the radio, on TV, in and all around your house, Christmas has taken over. If it were legal, and I’m pretty sure it’s not, your mom would listen to Christmas music all year round. Growing up all I ever remember coming out of your mom's room was Mariah Carey and Christmas music—and if I was really lucky, Mariah Carey’s Christmas music. You see, Christmas is more than just a holiday, it's A Season.

The purpose of these letters (usually) are to give you a glimpse of the pop-culture world as it is during your formative years—a portion of history that probably won’t be covered in school or on the History Channel—partly because they lack historical significance, but mostly because they’re presented by someone with a skewed and unreliable world view. These subjects we cover are, like most things, a part of time. They begin and end. This is what makes Christmas so special. Once something wedges its way into the Christmas lexicon, it stays there, forever. For good or ill, we are stuck with these songs, movies, and television specials for the rest of our lives. Christmas would not be Christmas without them.

So I made a list of movies you must watch every year and songs you have no choice but to listen to because, well, you live with your mom. We'll start with the movies...

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (Cartoon Version 1966)

The live action movie adaptations of Dr. Suess' work are usually a step down from the books, Cat In The Hat was unbearable, The Grinch was okay but pales in comparison to the cartoon, and the movie they made about Green Eggs and Ham, I Am Sam, had almost nothing to do with the book--however it is a great example of why you should never go full-retard. My favorite part of the cartoon was always the Roast Beast. I love roast beast, especially roast beast sandwiches with cole slaw. Mmmmmm...

A Christmas Story (1983)

Did you know we used to live in a world without the 24-hour "A Christmas Story" marathon? It's true. Many refer to it as, "The Dark Times"--I know I do. If the fine people at TBS ever try to stop running the marathon there will be a public outcry like nothing we've ever seen. I'm a firm believer that the best way to keep away annoying people is to say, "Don't talk to me... I'm thinking." Christmas movie or not, this movie is nearly perfect. Every scene is quotable and I couldn't imagine anyone else playing Ralphie. Even his name, Ralphie, is perfect. I dare you to watch this and not want a Red Ryder BB Gun...I dare you.

Christmas Vacation (1989)

Hey Griswold, where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Elf (2003)

This is an underrated movie and the most recent addition to the Pantheon of Christmas movies. I mean, Will Ferrell playing a giant Elf, how did it take so long for this to happen? I'm not sure if this movie is really good or it's just that I'm in love with Zooey Deschanel. Either way, Elf has nudged its way into the Pantheon of Christmas movies because it makes me smile--and smiling is my favorite.

It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)

Of all the movies made in 1946, this one is my favorite. When George Bailey finally gets his life back in the end and he's running through the town saying hello to buildings, he passes what I believe is a "Movie House", but for years I thought--prolly cause your other uncles told me so--that he said "Boobie House" which made the movie worth watching every year. I just thought George loved boobies--made sense to me.

Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

Who can forget the story of Rudolph? The story that teaches us that Santa was basically a bigot before a blizzard came and he needed Rudolph to save Christmas. Then Santa learned that reindeers with glowing red noses shouldn't be banished to live on the island of misfit toys. And by the way, some of those misfit toys weren't really misfits at all. The squirt gun filled with jelly could have just filled itself with water--they lived on a floating piece of ice, there was literally water all around them. And Charlie In The Box? Change your name to Jack. Problem solved. They should have called it the Island of Easily Fixable Problems.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

I'm not a huge fan of Charlie Brown, bit of a complainer, ya know? But if I had to pick one Peanuts adventure to watch, it would be this one. But they should have called it A Linus Christmas because he really steals the show with his monologue at the end. (I won't mention how he plagiarized the whole thing from the Bible.)

Miracle On 34th Street (1994 version)

I can't believe they got the old guy who owns Jurassic Park to be Santa Claus. They spared no expense.

One of the five thousand versions of A Christmas Carol

My personal recommendation is Scrooged with Bill Murray. It might not be the most traditional version --that award goes to Ghosts of Girlfriends Past with Matthew McConaughey--but I liked it because Bill Murray is the coolest and I'm also in love with Karen Allen.

And Lastly, But Certainly Not Least: Home Alone (1990)

I don't know what it is, but there is something about the story of a blonde Irish kid named Kevin whose large family thinks he's an incompetent little jerk when really he's a brave genius who fights off criminals that just seems so true to life. Not to mention, Kevin McCallister is played by the single greatest child actor of all time--the one, the only, McCauley Culkin. This movie made MacCauley and now he dates this girl--so yeah, he wins again.

(It should be noted that two of these Christmas movies were written by John Hughes: Home Alone and Christmas Vacation. From 1980-1990 John Hughes wrote 17 movies, 12 of which I consider must see films. These movies include: Mr. Mom, Vacation, Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Some Kind of Wonderful, Planes Trains and Automobiles, The Great Outdoors, Uncle Buck, Christmas Vacation, and Home Alone. That is an unprecedented run. He died this past August and I don't think we'll ever see someone own a decade like John Hughes owned the 80's. Respect.)

Now for the music. Some of these Christmas jingles are memorable because they represent Christmas like only music can, and others are memorable because they are so horrible that it almost seems sacrilegious to play them on the day Jesus was born. Here is a short list of the ones that stand out in my mind...

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town by Bruce Springsteen and The East Street Band

When The Boss says you better watch out and you better not cry, you open your eyes and you don't shed a tear. I never understood why Santa was so threatening in this song until Bruce belted it out. This is definitely the song Santa blasts in the sleigh on Christmas Eve to get him pumped. "That's right, I'm comin' to town, and all you punk kids better watch out!! And you better not cry or I'll give you somethin to cry about!! Santa slap!!" (side note: Santa prolly never said that.)

Christmas Shoes by Some Horrible, Horrible Band

I'm convinced this song was made by terrorists. They made it to lower the overall morale of Americans and force us into a defenseless depression, so they can just come over here and take over without a fight. I also like Patton Oswalt's take on this travesty of a song. Warning: This link is PG-13. Just horrible.

O Holy Night by Josh Groban

Say what you want about this guy's haircut, you cannot deny his golden pipes were made to sing O Holy Night. I think even Muslims bought his Christmas Album. I think it sold more copies than there are people on the planet.

Happy Christmas (War Is Over) by John Lennon

Many people like to argue over who was the best Beatle. John or Paul? (Anyone who tries to argue George is just trying to be difficult. And no one has ever argued Ringo) For me it will always be John and Christmas helped me come to that decision. John made a great Christmas song that starts, "So this is Christmas and what have you done? Another year older and a new one just begun." Even on Christmas, Lennon was taking us to task. Paul, on the other hand, wrote "A Wonderful Christmas Time" with a synthesizer-filled chorus that goes, "The mood is right. The spirits up. We're here tonight. And that's enough. Simply having a wonderful Christmas time." Is it enough, Paul? Is it really? Both made the mistake of letting their wives sing on the song, but at least John tried to drown Yoko out with a kids choir. Listen to both songs and decide for yourself, I'm just sayin, Lennon challenged us to be better, McCartney sounds drunk and there is no excuse for the synthesizer. None at all.

Last Christmas - Wham!

This song and "Christmas Shoes" song should be blasted at rioters as punishment for their social upheaval. Somehow it's been heavily thrust into the Christmas radio rotation and plays every 10 minutes on Christmas day. No one likes this song. Not even the members of Wham like this song. The programming directors at radio stations have no control over this, and it has led to many of them leaving the country to live in caves. But that's the thing about Christmas songs, once they hit the radio, they stay there forever. We will never be rid of this song. And that, Connor, is a depressing thought. I'm sorry I brought it up.

All I Want For Christmas - Mariah Carey

That morally flexible lady is one talented SOB. Damn you, Casey.

Do They Know It's Christmas - Band Aid

Just when I thought I couldn't hate George Michael any more than I already did, he goes along and participates in something like this--AND TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF. Back in 1984 the only way to battle hunger in Etheopia was to gather up a bunch of musicians with hilarious haircuts and sing a song. You really need to watch the video to fully appreciate just how hilarious the haircuts were back then. So here you go...Do They Know It's Christmas. A year later Lionel Richie and Michael Jackson wrote We Are The World and called the group USA for Africa to also raise money for Ethiopia. (Ironically, Lionel Richie could not feed his own daughter.) Since the end of the 80's people stopped making songs for the hungry and started sending food. I guess that makes more sense. The 80's were a magical time, Connor, don't let anyone tell you different.

Jingle Bells (The Batman Smells Version)

In about 5 years, you are gonna think this is the funniest song ever made. And you're absolutely right.

Have Yourself A Merry Christmas by Mel Torme' aka The Velvet Fog

This song, Rocking Around The Christmas Tree and Run Run Rudolf will forever be linked to Home Alone and are therefore awesome.

That's it. That's my list. Every year these movies will be on TV and these songs will be on the radio. Whether you like it or not these things will always be a part of Christmas--just like your family. Now I gotta catch a plane--third time's a charm.

See ya soon and Merry First Christmas,

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin

Halloween Rules of Engagement

Connor,

I saw the picture of you as a pumpkin, and I'm sorry. You looked miserable. But don't worry, this will only last a few years. Right now Halloween is a just an opportunity for your mom to dress you up in the most embarrassing costume possible so people can come over and laugh at you. (And in this day and age these photos will be posted on the interweb so the whole world can laugh at you. I do not envy your generation.)
You'll have to wait it out because in four or five years Halloween will become one of the best (if not THE best) days of the year. And it will remain awesome for as long as you're awesome enough to embrace it. To help you enjoy this wonderful day to the fullest, I've created certain rules you must abide by. A Halloween guide if you will...

Rule #1- Be Something With a Weapon

This is very important. I personally like any costume that comes with a sword: a pirate, a ninja, a musketeer, a teenage mutant turtle who also happens to be a ninja (Leonardo to be specific), or just a crazy guy with a sword. The sword will come in handy throughout the night, I assure you (more on this later).


Rule #2- Beware Gorilla Suits and Scarecrows

They may seem like just another porch decoration, but every so often they come alive in a clever attempt to make you poop your pants. This is when your sword comes into play (not too much later). As soon as you see a gorilla or scarecrow, be ready to unsheathe your sword. If you play this right you'll be able to unleash a devastating blow to the knees. Usually I wouldn't condone violence, but he did try to make you poop your pants, so I say it's fair game. While your fellow trick-or-treaters will cower in fear, you'll stand alone defending the honor of the group--plus you get to wack some dude with your sword. It's a win/win.

Rule #3a- Plan Your Route; Double Back

This is very crucial to maximizing your candy intake. I have not yet seen your new home, but you are in the suburbs of Philadelphia, so I assume you live in a heavily populated neighborhood with rows of houses on both sides of the street (or you live on a farm house in the middle of nowhere). You want no more than 30 feet between each residence. If you don't live in a neighborhood like this yet, don't worry, either there is one very close or there will be one built around you soon.

Once you find your ideal area of attack, map out your route so you hit every house in the neighborhood once. If you've selected a good neighborhood this should take several hours. Now you can go back to the first house and start again. Most people will dish out the candy again because they've seen so many costumed kids at this point they won't remember you've already hit them up once--unless you go as something particularly memorable like a half-Swayze/half-horse type creature.

And just in case you decide to be something unforgettable like a Swayze Centaur, which I'm totally supportive of, be sure to...

Rule #3b- Have a Backup Mask

Obviously a Swayze Centaur costume will stand out so be sure to have a random mask you can wear for the double back through the neighborhood. When I was kid we had a Freddy Krueger mask that seemed to make it through a thousand Halloweens. He would not die--much like the NOES movies.

(Note: Kelly Leak, the best little league baseball player ever, is playing the new Freddy. And before that he played Rorschach in Watchmen; a guy who is ashamed of his face. I mean why don't they just write him a note that says, "You Ugly" and just leave it at that. Would this have happened if coach Buttermaker was still around? Something to think about. )

Rule #4- Respect The "Please Take One" Basket

Obviously your first instinct is to take the entire basket, but you must resist this urge. The person that left that basket is either home watching you, and testing your honor (and if you're a ninja this a very important test), or they're at a Halloween party and respected you and the holiday enough to leave some candy. In either case, you should not take advantage of the PTO basket. It is okay to take two or three pieces if they left particularly good candy (i.e. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers, Skittles, etc.)--I mean, you are only human.
I know what you're thinking, 'How come it's okay to wear an extra mask to go back for round two, but it's not okay to take all the candy from the PTO basket?" Valid concern, but the difference is in the ruse. The 2nd mask technique is a clever trick. Taking all the basket candy isn't clever. It isn't even a trick. It's just being a jerk. Remember, you presented these people with the possibility that you might trick them. They should be prepared.


Rule #5- Eat Way Too Much Candy

"They" say eating too much candy will give you nightmares. I don't think that's true, but I've never put any stock into what "they" say. If it is true, I say bring on the nightmares; it's Halloween.
I've always preferred nightmares to dreams anyway. Think about it. Wouldn't you rather wake up and be relieved that wolves aren't chasing you than wake up and be disappointed you can't fly. (And when you start having dreams about girls you like, you'll know exactly what I mean.) It's Halloween, if ever you embrace your nightmares, this should be the night. Plus, you get to eat an obscene amount of candy. Again, it's a win/win.

Rule #6- Avoid the Lure of Mischief Night

I love mischief and endorse it and shenanigans whenever possible...except on mischief night. Mischief loses its essence if it's preordained. If you toilet paper someone's house on mischief night, they don't wake up confused and annoyed wondering what they could have possibly done to deserve such an inconvenience. Instead, they just shrug their shoulders, shake their heads, and say, "mischief night." Where's the thrill in that? Where's the mystique? I mean where would the Japanese be if they had bombed Pearl Harbor on "Surprise Attack Night". Nowhere, that's where. (What? Too soon? If Michael Bay can make a terrible movie about it, I should be able to make a joke. Come on.)

Rule #7- Have a Scary Movie Ready to End the Night

I'm not sure what number Saw movie they'll be at when you're old enough to trick-or-treat or how more romantic and less threatening the vampires will be, but I can tell you what scared me as a kid, the Stephen King movie It. It was a movie about a clown named Pennywise who would come to this town every 30 years and eat children. It sounds kinda dumb, but I assure you this clown will haunt your dreams forever...so be sure to check that out.

(Note: If you happen to go to the movies with your baby friends and they play the new Twilight trailer. After it's over and the theater gets all quiet, lean over to your friends and loudly whisper, "How big is your boner right now?" You will get laughs, I promise you. )

Rule #8- Take Notes: Apples, Toothbrushes, Good-N-Plenty

You will run into some bad people throughout your life, Connor. But no more soulless, no more hate-filled, no more evil than the people who give you any of those three things on Halloween. Whenever they're not giving out stuff no one in this world could possibly want, they're most likely boiling kittens or leaving comments on Youtube videos. Take note of where these people live, and never, ever return there. No good can come of it.
On the other hand, whenever you find those generous souls who give out King-sized candy or bags with multiple pieces of quality candy, be sure to hold them in the highest regard.

(Note: If you do get some Good-N-Plenty, be sure to give them to your grandmother. It's just tradition.)

Rule #9- Always Use a Pillow Case

The pillowcase is the best candy-holder known to man. It's big enough and sturdy enough to carry more candy than you could possibly collect and sometimes months later you'll find a Jolly Rancher under pillow. Once again, win/win. What you don't want to do is get stuck with one of those plastic pumpkins that holds maybe three bite-sized Snickers and has a crappy plastic handle guaranteed to break if you're lucky enough to get a King-sized Butterfinger. You never want an excuse to go home, because once you're in, it's almost impossible to get back out. (Unless of course you're one of six, then you can very easily get lost in the shuffle...here's hoping that happens!!)

Rule #10- Enjoy It While It Lasts

One day you'll wake up, put on your costume, go to the neighbor's house, say trick-or-treat and they will ask you to leave and give you no candy. Why? Because you're 25-years-old and apparently Ageism is an accepted practice on Halloween. And people aren't even nice about it. They don't say, "Hey that's an awesome Swayze costume, but the candy is only for children." They just say, "Get off my porch, ya psycho." It's like I have to have a kid so I can participate in trick-or-treating, which seems like a huge responsibility for one night of candy fun. I mean, how many people have had kids just for the Halloween candy? I'm guessing a lot.
I don't think it's fair to me, the kid, or America to have a kid whom I only really want for one day a year. It's just irresponsible and I'm not gonna fall in line just cause everyone else is doing it. I mean, just cause my parents did it and your parents did it, doesn't mean we have to do it. We could stop the vicious cycle of Kids for Candy. Vote Yes on Prop 143!!
(Prop 143 would allow people to trick-or-treat well into their 50's, thereby eliminating the pressure to have children just for the Halloween candy)
Anyway, post-trick-or-treat Halloween isn't all bad. You get to go to Halloween parties, which are great because people are more likely to make stupid mistakes when they're dressed up in silly costumes. Also, many women finally get to dress like themselves. Oh!!(That's a back-handed insult. More more difficult than the back-handed compliment and much more fun to do.)

(Phinal Note: How bout them Phillies? Did you watch Always Sunny last night? It was great. Greenman fought the Phillie Phernatic (not a spelling error). They drank riot juice. Mac wrote Chase Utley a love letter. It was awesome. The debate over who's the best looking Phillie is a complicated issue, one me and your uncle Callahan have had many times before. It's just so competitive, I mean, who has a better looking team than the Phils? No one, that's who. I mean, sure, we lost some serious handsomeness this off-season when we replaced Pat "The Bat" Burrell with Raul "My Preciouses" Ibanez, but sometimes--not often, but sometimes--you have to place performance above good looks. I think this may have been one of those rare occasions. Anyway, I got the Phils in five games. Derek Jeter's good looks win one game for the Yanks--otherwise this an easy sweep.)

Now that I've successfully scared your grandfather...Happy Halloween!!!

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin