Oh My How You've Grown!

Dear Connor,

I mean, I'm assuming you've grown. I really don't have a frame of reference, but I mean it's been about a month since we last spoke, you have to be what...3 ft. tall? I'm not good with time or height or babies or directions or colors. It's hard to say what I'm worse at, directions or colors... I mean I almost never know where I am or what direction I'm facing, but I'm also color-blind, so I mean, you tell me...

But enough about my many handicaps, I want to talk about you, like how excited are you to meet me? I know I'm excited for you to meet me. In a way I feel bad because you're gonna hit your peak for meeting Awesome people at such a young age. I mean, unless you happen to meet Burt Reynolds or something later in life, but let's face it, the chances of that happening are very slim, so basically it's all down-hill in the Awesome category after this weekend.

Hey at least you don't have my burden of desperately seeking Burt Reynolds just to find an Awesome superior... yet.

Let's get serious for a second, Connor. Enough of your silliness. You know life isn't just about being silly, some things are very serious and not to be taken lightly. I'm speaking of course about movies. (All forms of entertainment really, but right now I want to focus on movies.)

If I can pass on anything I believe in on to you it's this: "I decided long ago that what really matters is WHAT you like, not what you ARE like." That's true, and it's actually a quote from a Jon Cusack movie, making it even more appropriate. I can overlook just about any personal defect if I respect their taste in movies, music, television, or literature. (The latter hardly comes up in conversation, but if it does I make a note of it. If a full grown adult talks incessantly about the Harry Potter books, I may lose a little respect for him/her.)

Basically, if Hitler was a a big fan of the movie "True Romance" I would have no problem putting all transgressions aside to discuss how the Christopher Walken/Dennis Hopper scene is one of the all-time great scenes in cinema or how it's basically the best love story since "Princess Bride". Or a million other things that I love about that movie. I'm not saying I agree with Hitler's outlook on life or his aspirations for world domination, but no one should be denied the basic human right to discuss movies... no one.

Given that, I want to use my unalienable right at this time to tell you about my latest trip to the theater to watch the highly anticipated "Angels & Demons" starring Tommy Hanks.

Before we get into the film, I've got a bone to pick with the world.

Since it was opening weekend, two friends and I got there 20 minutes early to ensure we would get decent seats. It turned out the theater was ginormous, so it really wouldn't have mattered, but c'est la vie, right? I don't mind getting to theaters early. I'm a preview junkie. Sometimes the previews are the best part of the whole experience. That wasn't the case this time.

So when you get to a movie that earl you are forced to watch advertising for some terrible cable network's new line-up. Namely, TNT.

Now I'm an NBA fan; I really enjoy watching playoff games--most of which are on TNT. So if I want to watch Lebron rip through the playoffs like a runaway train I have to endure TNT's commercials. I haven't done the numbers, but I estimate that about 90% of the commercials during an NBA game on TNT are for one of TNT's drama shows, because...

TNT: We Know Drama, And We'll Force It On You Until It's True!

I've already had my fill this year of TNT commercials, so when I get in the theater and find out I get to sit through 30 minutes of extended commercials for TNT dramas... well, let's just say I was less than thrilled.

This is what I took from those commercials.

Kyra Sedgwick is "The Closer". Her annoying voice drives suspects crazy until they admit just about anything.

Holly Hunter is "Something Something" and her terrible accent gives Asian children seizures. She carries a gun and has a badge, but she's more than a cop... she's "Something Something".

Zach Morris is "Some Lawyer" who has long hair sometimes, but other times it's short-it's not dyed bleach-blond, so it's distracting no matter what. Slater wins.

Will Smith's wife is "A Registered Nurse" because there aren't enough hospital shows on television. Little Known Fact: There are more people playing nurse on TV than there are actual nurses on the Earth today. Something to think about.

That's four shows you couldn't pay me to watch. Connor, if you like drama there's only one show you should be watching and it's called "The Wire". I won't get expansive on it, but by the time you're old enough to appreciate it, "The Wire" will be akin to the works of Charles Dickens, and be one of the rare pieces of theater that accurately portrays the decay of western society... but I'll do you a favor and move on to avoid further verbosity.

So after the traumatizing dramatizing of TNT, the movie previews started. Usually the rule of thumb for previews is "Good previews, Good Movie." They also tend to stick to genre, like if you're seeing a comedy, you'll get comedy previews. Since "Angels and Demons" is a suspense-thriller, I expected suspense-thriller previews... I was wrong.

Apparently A&D was geared toward 14-year-old girls because the previews were one excruciating romantic-comedy after another. Let me give you a rundown.

First preview...

Katherin Heigl and Leonidas from "300" work together, but don't get along. Leonidas is a womanizer with all the right moves. Katherin Heigl is a good girl trying to land this other guy, so she turns to Leonidas to help her "think like a man" to land her dream man. And hilarity ensues. But you'll never guess what happens... Leonidas falls for Heig-dog and somehow has to profess his love for her before she falls for the other guy. How will this love triangle end? That's for us to find out.

Next preview...

Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds work together, but hate each other. Because of some crazy mix-up they have to pretend to be engaged and hilarity ensues. So their friends, co-workers, and family are constantly asking them to express their love publicly, which causes even more hilarity to ensue. But guess what happens along the way... they realize they actually do love each other. It's crazy how things work out like that, isn't it?

Next preview...

Remember the woman from My Big Fat Greek Wedding... well she's back in a totally unrelated film where she goes to Greece to find her true love. A decrepit looking Richard Dreyfuss plays her well-meaning, but intrusive father... and hilarity ensues.

Next preview...

Some super sad movie about a little girl with cancer that would probably make the Tin Man cry. (I'll prolly avoid this one too)

That's my best recollection of the previews, I may have blacked out before they could show another romantic-comedy.

Now I understand that basically none of the advertising I was during the half hour of mediocrity is actually geared toward me in any way, but still. I mean, aren't women insulted by these films the same way I'm insulted by the 9th Fast & Furious movie? I don't know, Connor, I just don't know.

As for Angels & Demons, it was entertaining. I won't spoil it for you, cause you'll prolly want to rent it, but that final "twist" was kind of a cop-out and it came 15-minutes later than it should have. Also, I was hoping for a more detailed look at the history of the Illuminati. I liked how they did the flashbacks in "The Da Vinci Code" to the Knights Templar to show the history of it all, A&D kind of lacked that. The film still had a lot of intrigue based solely on the Catholic church as subject matter and Vatican City as the location. So much history, mystery, and art in one spot, it's hard not to be somewhat intrigued.

Also, Tommy Hanks's hair isn't long and distracting, so that was nice. I might be more impressed with it on a 2nd viewing minus the half hour of atrocious previews beforehand to put me in an extremely critical mood.

I don't know why I decided to tell you all this other than it was probably the most interesting part of my weekend, but there's prolly a lesson here somewhere. Ummm, TNT dramas are for dumb people?... ummm, don't go too early to a movie because the previews might ruin it for you? Your uncle Kevin is easily upset over crappy entertainment? We'll figure out a lesson later.

But hey, I'll see ya this weekend, we'll party hard and talk about politics. It'll be a super awesome terrific time.

See ya then,

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin

Don't Judge A Book By Its Slobber

Connor,

I trust you've heard that Vin Diesel is back and his new Faster and more Furious movie had a record breaking opening. First of all, it's not your fault. It's not your fault, Connor... it's not your fault. Have we done this before?

Anyway, I don't want to talk about Vin Diesel, I'm here to talk about roommates. I figure since I know your roommates, so you should get to know mine. I have quite a few roommates, so I'll try to introduce you to the most important ones.
This is Roscoe. Roscoe is the elder statesman, old and wise like a fury Buddah. He likes it when you yell "Roscoe" when he enters the room and then whisper " 's Chicken and Waffles" in his ear. I personally think it's juvenile, but he thinks it's hilarious so I do it.

Roscoe is a pitbull-mastiff mix and he's all black except for his chest, nose, and paws--it's like he's wearing a tuxedo at all times. As you can see in the photo, he has the biggest tongue in the world. His favorite thing to do is to catch you sleeping and lick you in the face. In fact, he licks everything he sees. There is no space too small for him to burrow his way into. He loves people, but isn't impressed by dogs. He thinks he's people.
Here's Roscoe with his little brother Endo. Endo is a blue-nosed pitbull. Though Endo looks like a cute puppy you don't want to see him when he gets angry...

Endo has grown a bit since then and is widely considered the Arnold Schwarzenegger of dogs--a freakshow; a specimen. This is him pretending to be Superman...

Though he's passed Roscoe in shear size, he still looks up to his older brother. Endo follows Roscoe's lead and is never too far behind. Where Roscoe needs to be around people, Endo needs to be around Roscoe.


When Endo isn't following Roscoe's every move, he likes "nomming" on blankets and pillows. He's also a big hip-hop fan; it's prolly his favorite form of expression... he likes when you rhyme his name like, "Yo Endo, You're My Friendo" or "Yo Endo, Let's Play Nintendo". And then we'll freestyle from there. Admittedly, I do most of the freestyling, but he lays down most of the beats.

Connor, I wanted to tell you a little bit about these two guys because pitbulls get a bad rep. They're actually one of the most loyal breed of dogs. In England they're known as the "nanny breed" because of how protective they are with children. I learned that little nugget in a really good Sports Illustated article on the Michael Vick dogs--I highly recommend giving it a once over.

It's really a case of dog racism, which is my 2nd most hated kind of racism, right behind people racism, and just ahead of sock racism... black socks are always appropriate, don't let anyone tell you different.

And if we give into dog racism, what will we give into next? The Nazis? It's a slippery slope, Connor. And I don't want to see you get caught up in the media's smear campaign against pitbulls. That Sports Illustrated article is the exception for media coverage on pitbulls and it took something as horrific as the Vick story to get it written.

I've seen first hand the negative reaction Roscoe and Endo get at dog parks. We were once verbally accosted by a man who claimed he had been bitten by a pitbull and became a rich man as a result. He went on to say that we shouldn't be allowed to bring Roscoe or Endo to the park and that all pitbulls should be put to sleep.

He was fat and loud and his words were ugly and ignorant--meanwhile, Roscoe dreamed of licking his face and Endo was too excited to meet the other dogs to even notice it.


It's sad but true that people like this will always exist--and morbidly obese people yelling uneducated nonsense toward total strangers at a dog park is just something we all have to deal with. But with dogs, people, or socks; it's always better to keep an open mind with new ones because you never know when you'll make a new friend or discover a new favorite pair of socks.




And you can take that to the bank.





Roscoe and Endo just made a new friend with the house's newest addition, General Norman Schwarzkopf III...




He likes to go by General, The General, or Norm. Norm and Endo became friends fast and Roscoe is starting to warm up to him, but like I said before, unless you have opposable thumbs Roscoe wants nothing to do with you... he thinks he's people.


Here's Endo looking at his kingdom after I informed him that "Everything the Light Touches is Yours." (Back-to-Back Lion King references... this blog is just gonna take off.)

And here's Roscoe and Endo standing strong with their dad Jon, one of my people roommates and one heck of a dog owner. Those are my fingers in the frame, not my finest moment of photo-journalism.


One last piece of advice before I let you get back to doing your baby thing: Don't ever be roommates with a cat. Cat people always try telling you how their cats have "personalities" or how they "think they're people". That stuff just weirds me out. Besides, cats only have one personality and it's a selfish one.

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin

And So It Begins...

Here We Go Connor,

Your first Phillies game as a living human. You are in a very similar situation as I was during my first year as a person. Before this past year the previous Philadelphia championship was the 1983 76ers--I was born in 1984. I had to wait 24 years to see the Phillies win the World Series, and by that time I was already here in Las Vegas. You missed the World Series by only a few months, so right now you can say, as I did for years, that Philly hasn't won a championship since you've been alive. I don't think there has been a better example of the circle of life since Rafiki held up Simba over the cliff.

Anyway, enjoy your first game on Sunday, and don't worry if you fall asleep in the 2nd inning, watching baseball is pretty boring until you're old enough to drink beer. Also, if your grandfather starts yelling and swearing at the TV, don't worry, he hasn't gone crazy, it's probably Pat Burrell's fault. Oh wait, he's gone, I wonder whose fault it will be this year... my guess is Carlos Ruiz, but only time will tell.

The important thing to remember is to enjoy this season because we are the defending champions, and I've never been able to say that... In the words of the great Chase Utley, "World F--Wait I forgot, this is a G-rated blog-- you'll find out soon enough how awesome Chase Utley is.

Have fun on Sunday, Go Phils, talk to you soon.

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin

Beware Stardom, Dude.

Hey Connor,

What's goin' on? I see you've become quite the star of Bucks county, the Prince of Pennsylvania if you will--which is actually the name of a Keanu Reeves movie no one has ever seen, but I found quite enjoyable. You've only been in town for less than a week and I've seen 657 pictures of you on the Internet. It's mostly the same picture where you just sit there. The arms that are holding you change from time to time. Nothing too crazy...yet.

Sure, it's nice to be popular, but you don't want to be over exposed or peak too early. I say this to you because I've seen it happen too many times. Sure we got some great performances from McCauley. Home Alone was the greatest thing a child has ever done, but was it worth him becoming this guy.

And McCauley Culkin isn't even a worst-case scenario. Look at the Lohan, Drew Berrymore, River Pheonix, or the Coreys--to end up like either Corey would be devastating to any pair of arms in those pictures. The list of "Too Much Too Soon" cautionary tales is endless--I don't want to see you on that list.

I suggest you lay low for a while. Let all those pictures sink in. Give those arms a chance to miss you. Lose yourself to find yourself. Grab life by the tail. Grab Wally by the tail. Grab anything you can get your tiny hand around. Just be Connor.

All I'm saying is take a step back from the spotlight. Maybe hire some security to keep the paparazzi at bay. And don't do anything to warrant the paparazzi either (like saying your first word or learning to read and then actually reading this blog). Stay focused on the eating, pooping, and sleeping. I promise all this media attention will calm down, especially if you keep pooping--nobody likes the smelly kid.

Keep it real, Nephew.

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin

Welcome to Earth, Nephew!

Dear Connor,

It's me your uncle Kevin--your youngest, and inevitably coolest, uncle. We haven't met yet, but we will, and knowing you, you'll probably forget all about it, but I'll let it slide because you're a baby.

First thing's first--congratulations on being a boy--being a boy is sweet. Life is pretty simple for us boys; right now all you want to do is eat, poop, and sleep--and it doesn't get much more complicated than that.

As your favorite uncle, I feel it's my responsibility to drop knowledge on you whenever I can, so I'll do my best to update this blog to teach you important life lessons like, "Don't Sweat the Petty Things and Don't Pet the Sweaty Things" and "No matter what your father says, it's okay to be upset that he made you a Redskins fan." It's not your fault, Connor...It's not your fault.

That's from Good Will Hunting, it's a pretty good movie, but you probably already knew that.

Let me tell you a little about myself: I'm your mom's brother, I live in Las Vegas--which is a magical place filled with wonderful things that you're not ready to hear about yet, but maybe someday. If you were a girl, you wouldn't be allowed near Las Vegas until your 37th birthday and only with strict supervision--just one of the many perks to being a boy--congratulations again on that by the way.

I'll have to talk to your parents about it, but I'm officially inviting you to Vegas for your 12th birthday.

Anyway, I realize this will probably be a one-sided conversation for a while, so I'll keep writing if you keep being a baby. Deal?

When you're done being a baby I expect you to participate fully, until then I'll do my best to fill your head with nonsensical life lessons and unsound advice.

I'll talk to you soon,

Your Favorite Uncle,

Kevin